Starring Alice and David Belgray as themselves.
KEEP READINGGimme a break
You know what the phrase “gimme a break” does to me? It creates total chaos on my head, which starts playing two tunes at once. One is the awful Kit Kat jingle — even more awful when they do the instrumental version made up of the sounds of breaking Kit Kats. How did a candy brand manage to […]
KEEP READINGNobody Likes Me (Maybe Because I Correct This Grammar Mistake Under My Breath)
Ready for my biggest grammar pet peeve? Oh. I know, from the title, you thought this was going to be a self-pity piece about what a friendless loser I am. Don’t worry (especially you, Mom) — people like me. I know this because I say it in front of the mirror every morning. Technically, I should’ve called the […]
KEEP READING7 Kinds Of People You Meet In Crazy-Town
1) People who say “I have a larger than life personality” just have larger assholes. Gaping ones. 2) People who say “I don’t need the negativity in my life” and “I just want to surround myself with positive people” don’t know or like any positive people. The closest thing they have is a cheap “healing” candle that […]
KEEP READINGThe million-dollar pickle story
I believe, with all my heart, that everyone has a story to tell. Whether they should tell it, or know how to tell it, is another story. A story I will tell right now. So I’m at the pickle stand on Carmine and 6th Ave, asking the guy for samples. (If you think that all my human interaction centers around […]
KEEP READINGWayback Wednesday: P.S. I Loved This Store
My birthday’s coming! No presents, please. But if you must, I like anything from P.S. I Love You. Oh, sorry, scratch that. The store, which was near our house on the Upper West Side, no longer exists, and I’m no longer 12. But if this were 1981… You could buy me anything from P.S. I Love You and […]
KEEP READINGNormal is amazing.
Hey there, all back to normal! Oh right, you missed the part where it wasn’t normal. Last night, Steven and I dropped by a neighborhood place, Claudette, for dinner. We ate at the bar, and toward the middle, somewhere between the cauliflower appetizer and our chicken tagine, my ankle started hurting. Really hurting. It hurt like […]
KEEP READINGThis Sh*t’s Hard. (Or, 13 things I’ve learned from blogging every day)
Par-tay! Today I’m celebrating having blogged every day (OK, weekday) for a straight month. I started mid-August, but then I took a vacation, so I’m only counting since after the vacation. Because I’m that tough on myself. I’m my own tiger mom. No praise for you! Get back to your piano scales! Four more hours […]
KEEP READINGWalking and texting: Rules of the Sidewalk (Or, In Which I Am Tripped By A Bum)
If you’re texting or reading from your phone while you walk, it’s on you. You bump into someone? It’s on you. A turning car almost hits you? It’s on you. I’ve thought about this. I’ve planned accidents in my head with approaching people who are looking down at their phones. If that chick doesn’t swerve around me, […]
KEEP READINGWayback Wednesday: Boners In The News
Through 8th grade, I went to a “progressive” school on the Upper West Side. People called it “the TV School” because it looked like a TV, though now that they expanded the building upwards, it looks like a TV with a VCR, TiVo and cable box all stacked dumbly on top of it. Everyone knows you’re […]
KEEP READINGHow (not?) to attract money
I take terrible care of money. If money were a child, Protective Services would take mine all away and award custody to the grandparents. When I’m at the farmer’s market paying for my sun gold cherry tomatoes, and the cashier is holding them out to me in their plastic bag, swinging them ever so slightly from […]
KEEP READINGThe Boy Who Ate My Challah
This weekend is Yom Kippur, the holiest and highest of high, holy holidays for a good Jew. I’m a bad Jew, so I pretty much ignore it. Though many times I’ve used it as a diet kickstart, because you’re supposed to fast all day. We were never good at that as a family. My parents would […]
KEEP READINGWayback Wednesday*: That’s some hairy frosting.
People seem to like it when I talk about growing up in NYC in the 70s and 80s, so I thought I’d start a series. I’m torn between Wayback Wednesday* and Frowback Friday. My concern about Frowback Friday is that people will pronounce the “Frow” part like it rhymes with “now.” And if I spell […]
KEEP READINGHappy Birthday to me! Wait, what?
Today, even though I’m trying not to wake up and look at email, I woke up to this lovely email. So sweet, but unnecessary. And, if my mom had been cc’d, she would have sent an immediate retraction. Because guess what? IT’S NOT MY BIRTHDAY. My dad’s 82. Normally, my first thought would be to call my parents and […]
KEEP READING