Whoever said that was so right. Someone obvious, I’m forgetting. I don’t feel like looking it up, because I’d rather tell you about two little versions of hell I experience every day. I know “hell” is supposed to be capitalized, but that seems religious and weird to me. 1) Holding-the-elevator hell Our apartment is on the […]
KEEP READINGWayback Wednesday: Puffies, Porn ‘Stache, and Pacman
Where do city kids hang out now? Since they’re all under strict parent and nanny supervision, I guess at home, or those Kumon homework help places, or maybe some franchised indoor bouncy castle center where they jump around while parents sit in a viewing skybox, critiquing their kids’ bounce form and sipping kale smoothies. They don’t have what […]
KEEP READINGWhy the newspaper makes me feel bad.
Reading the paper gives me the empty feeling. I think that’s pretty common, but most people I know get upset when they’re reading it because they come away feeling like the world’s going to shit. Or to hell in a hand basket. It’s always one of those two things. For them, it’s the beheadings, the fracking, the […]
KEEP READINGOne simple trick to make anyone feel like an asshole
Here’s an easy trick for making someone feel like an asshole. When they hold the door open for you, don’t put your hand up to catch it. Instead, walk right into it with your arms dangling uselessly at your sides and then huff, “Thanks!” They’ll feel terrible for letting the door slam on you, and […]
KEEP READINGHow do you people do this?
I wrote this post last night because today, I’m working with a team from 10-6. It’s for a project I’m really excited about (The Copy Cure, coming Spring 2015!) but I’m not excited about working 10-6. I get anxiety the night before. How will I get up early enough to have the morning I want, which […]
KEEP READINGWayback Wednesday: Tales of a 5th Grade User
When I was a kid, I was such a user. That’s off-brand for a Scorpio. We’re supposed to be all-or-nothing, I like you or I don’t like you. With Annie Lewis and Karen Poterman, classmates in middle school, I was more, you bug me but you have something cool at your house, so let’s hang. […]
KEEP READINGWhat If I Went Out Naked (And Other Horrors)
We all think about weird things that we don’t have to think about, right? At a dinner party the other night, my friend revealed that she thinks constantly about where she’d choose to be, if there were a choice, in a human centipede: front, middle, or back. In case you don’t know, there’s a movie called Human […]
KEEP READINGWhat’s Wrong With This Person?
Seriously: What is wrong with a person who gets not one, but two juror qualification surveys she could just fill out ONLINE – no messy pen and paper required, no folding of paper and putting into unreasonably dreaded envelope, simply type name and age and check “no, not a felon” and click send, that’s all she had to […]
KEEP READINGThree old-person things I did before 9:30 am
1) Shook my finger — like a pendulum, back and forth — at a car trying to turn through a just-red light. I actually “tsked” as I stopped the car by walking in front of it, and gave it a “where do you think you’re going, sonny” look. (The driver was an old Chinese lady.) […]
KEEP READINGDrinking the Kool-Aid Tea
I hate cult-y behavior. I don’t mean where someone shaves their head and gives their money to a charismatic leader and has sex with him every night until a parent comes to pick them up and finds them in filthy clothes and malnourished from eating nothing but carrots, the one crop grown on the cult property. I have nothing against that […]
KEEP READING5 Married-People Arguments We’ll Have Till The End Of Time
Someone place the 911 call now. Winter is coming, and for me and Steven, it brings our worst domestic dispute. OK, make it 311. It won’t come to blows, and calling 911 for non-emergencies really pisses them off. I know, because I once called the fire department when I was worried about tree branches that were growing […]
KEEP READINGMom, Saint of Home-Sewed Costumes and Stolen Snickers
Happy Halloween! A couple of weeks ago, I heard two moms talking on their way from drop off at the elementary school by my house. Actually, it was just one mom doing all the talking. The other barely had a chance to say “uh huh” and “OK” and seemed sorry she’d gotten dragged into walking […]
KEEP READINGBirthday FAQs (Don’t smile don’t smile don’t smile.)
It’s my birthday! For the occasion, I will answer your top birthday FAQs. Thanks for asking! Any big plans for tonight? Birthday party? Just dinner out, which is fine by me. If I had a party, I’d spend weeks worrying that I can’t not invite you, but if I do, will you mix with my other friends? Or […]
KEEP READINGThere’s no such thing as a small job. (Talking Shrimp grand re-opening!)
This is a proud moment for me. And for you, if we’re so close that you share my wishes and dreams and accomplishments and want to wear me as a skin suit. Ready? Talking Shrimp is all new! OK, not all new. I couldn’t change everything, on account of I hate change. Which makes me […]
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