I’m a smart person, but part of me is stupid. Or maybe it’s not part of me – maybe it’s just living inside me, like a tapeworm. Except it’s a brainworm. And instead of eating my brain, it feeds my brain, with stupid ideas I know are wrong but somehow still think are true. Does […]
KEEP READINGLuxury Crack Den Oasis! A guide to real-estate speak.
My husband and I are looking for a new apartment. No, that’s not ours in the pic above. But we could still use an upgrade. We want a real kitchen, a second bathroom, and a second bedroom for my office. (For some reason, Steven doesn’t love having my piles of papers and DVDs in the […]
KEEP READINGCrack, Foie Gras, and 4 Seasons: How I Lost 81 Hours of My Life
I love fat. If no one’s looking, I will eat a pat of butter. Maybe I’ll stick a breadcrumb on it so I can call it “bread and butter” and not just “butter”. It does something to your self respect when you snack on straight butter. But for some reason, liver-flavored butter is a different […]
KEEP READINGHow Rubik’s Cube Made Me Popular
Big news! Someone has now invented a robot that can solve the Rubik’s Cube. Before you get too impressed by that, you should know that in 7th grade, I could solve the Cube in under a minute. Before you get too impressed by that, you should also know that I cheated. I bought a book […]
KEEP READINGPatchy eyebrows, big buns, and middle age: Everything you didn’t need to know about my 20th college reunion
This past weekend was my 20-year college reunion. I know what you want to say to that: 1) “But you seem so young! You must have graduated when you were in diapers for that to be true.” Shucks. Thank you, you’re sweet. As a matter of fact, I did graduate in diapers, but I was […]
KEEP READINGThe Baby-Man Who Convinced Me NOT to Have Kids
In my last post, I wrote about the cultural pressure to have kids. I didn’t get into why I don’t want to have them. So here’s a little on my reasons, and the giant Baby-Man, or Man-Baby, who confirmed them. I was on the fence for a long time. Being on the fence about kids when […]
KEEP READINGDon’t be an idiot.
Check out the guy in the picture. He’s an idiot. Not for wearing a silly hat. But for gluing it to his head. With superglue. He had to go to an emergency room (one with pointless dolphins painted on the wall) to have it removed. I’m sure everyone asked the guy, “What were you thinking?” And […]
KEEP READINGWho’s your robot butler? And other Seldom Asked Questions
All the blogs on blogging say that to “create value” in your content, you should listen to your readers: What are they saying in the comments? What questions are they asking? Answer them! I couldn’t really find any questions in the comments, so I reached out to you and asked what you wanted to know. […]
KEEP READINGThe walking and feeding of pet peeves
As a kid, every time I went to the store with my dad, I’d watch him do something I thought was re-fucking-tarded:
KEEP READINGThree reasons we should all shut up about “passion”.
What’s your passion? Is it a passion for passion? Do you make money from that passion?
KEEP READING10 familiar faces who need to call it quits.
See the lady in this photo? Keep an eye out for her. She’s going to be famous – for being the internet’s hardest-working “frustration” model.
KEEP READINGYou look great. Have you gained chutzpah?
This is on the back of my Special K box. They want you to fill it in with your answer to “WHAT WILL YOU GAIN WHEN YOU LOSE [WEIGHT?]” Notice they give two little examples in the top right corner in case you can’t think of anything yourself. I like their suggestion of “chutzpah”. I […]
KEEP READINGImmortal words on Sandy Duncan, Florida, and big cocks.
With Sandy Duncan’s name all over the news this week, I couldn’t help but think of — and miss — my husband’s mom, who was a big fan. OK, minor correction: Sandy Duncan wasn’t exactly all over the news. I happened to see her name in one lone New York Times article about Wheat Thins, […]
KEEP READINGIf you’re a stupid crybaby, press 1
Here’s a New Year’s resolution: No more crying customer service calls.
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