Check out the guy in the picture. He’s an idiot.
Not for wearing a silly hat. But for gluing it to his head. With superglue. He had to go to an emergency room (one with pointless dolphins painted on the wall) to have it removed.
I’m sure everyone asked the guy, “What were you thinking?” And he probably said, “I wasn’t.”
But I can tell you what he was really thinking:
“This probably isn’t a good idea. Oops, I’m doing it anyway.”
Isn’t that what you think when you do something idiotic? It’s exactly what I think. I have a flash of recognition that this is not a wise thing to do, and then I override it.
Here’s an example:
The summer at camp when I wanted to prove to Julie, an especially gullible girl in my cabin, that I had green earwax. I scooped up some peas from my plate when she had her head turned, and shoved them deep into my ear canal.
For a nanosecond, as I was about to do it, I remembered, “you’re never supposed to put anything in your ear but your elbow.”
I recognized that green peas were not my elbow, but I jammed them up there anyway.
Then, I turned to Julie, with my pinky in my ear, and said, “Don’t believe me? Look.”
But instead of pulling out a finger full of evidence, I came up empty. My pinky had just pushed the peas deeper into my ear, and now they were out of reach.
Julie had the last laugh. Literally. She said, “Ha, ha! You don’t have green earwax.” And then I had to go to the nurse, who had a senior camper hold a flashlight while she dug into my ear with what I remember as a knitting needle. It probably wasn’t a knitting needle, but it definitely wasn’t her elbow.
The whole time she was excavating my ear, I sat there wondering why I hadn’t listened to the “Don’t do it” voice. The instinct to not be an idiot.
Was it because the “don’t do it” section of the brain isn’t fully formed in a 10-year-old?
Maybe. But if that’s the case, then that part of my brain is still developing. Or, the part of the brain that answers, “Aw, quit nagging, you boring bitch” is stronger. I’ve done so many moronic things that I knew I shouldn’t do. But not for any good reason.
I’m trying to get better at following the “Don’t be an idiot” voice.
I’m not talking about the inner chickenshit who tells me not to take risks that might pay off — the one who says, “Don’t go up to that person and introduce yourself. She’s more important than you and will therefore laugh — or maybe spit — in your face.”
No. I’m talking about the inner genius who says,
- “Maybe you shouldn’t mention that amazing New Year’s party to your friend who wasn’t invited.”
- “Don’t try to carry four full drinks in your two hands. It won’t kill your lazy ass to make a second trip.”
- “How about, instead of cutting your own bangs, you wait the three days till your hair appointment?”
- “Want to let that venomous email sit for a little before you hit ‘send’?”
- “You’re going to leave your wallet sticking out of your bag like that? On the subway? When you KNOW it’s sticking out? Why not just hand it over to that junky and save everyone some time?”
- “Hey, dildo, put on your seatbelt. Or are you going to wait till the cab driver crashes into another car and slams your face right into the plexiglass? Think people really use that hinged pass-through for money? It serves no purpose other than to destroy faces.”
Right. That voice.
Do you listen to yours? Tell me in the comments.
What I mean is, tell me about the times you didn’t.
I want to hear your green-pea moments.
Oh, and if you ever think you might want to superglue a hat to your head, remember the old commercial for Krazy Glue.
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VERY FUNNY!!! hahahah this guy look at him, he is an idiot! hhahaha one of the funniest blog post ive seen.
Heather Claus says
Preface: One of my new 365 sites in BETA is LOVE, and the forums are filled with singles. Daters.
You know, crazies.
“Heather, you know better than to try to be logical or point out that this woman who claims she has been so heiniously wronged by every man on earth has just not only contradicted herself 18 times in four posts, and has also mentioned using those EXACT same manipulative techniques on the men she’s ranting about, complaining that they PURPOSEFULLY manipulate her…
REALLY. Listen to me.
YOU. KNOW. BETTER.”
No, I didn’t, LOL!
Haha. You probably did know better, but who can resist getting into it with a crazy in a forum? Send me in there, I want to engage with all the wackos. That sounds fun.
Heather Claus says
Ohhhhh-Kayyyyyy. Be careful what you ask for…
I’ll email it.
Big Dan says
Most idiotic thing I’ve ever done? Hmmmm, it probably involved following asleep in a car that wasn’t mine after my 21st birthday and then telling the cop to basically screw himself. Yeah, not my proudest moment…
Was that car you fell asleep in the cop’s car? That would really be a good kicker.
Melody Granger says
hahaha, I’ve pulled a bean out of my daughter’s nose, but never stuck one up on my own. But my brother did. That’s how I recognized that my daughter had a bean up her nose, from the rotting smell. Nostalgia – disgusting smell, can’t forget it. Oh wait, hers wasn’t a bean, it was a piece of foam from a pillow or foam bed or something. anyhoo, I digress from your question.
No, I have NEVER, EVER done anything as stupid as not putting my glasses on when weedeating when I KNOW I should because I’ve been pegged in the eye.
No I have NEVER, EVER overloaded the washing machine because I was freaking tired of washing and just wanted to be done, when I know I’m gonna regret it when the clothes take 5 years to dry because the dryer is too full, too. And the clothes won’t be “fluffed” like I like ’em – with no wrinkles!
And No I have NEVER, EVER, EVER done any other type of idiotic thing, even when that voice in my head warns me.
I’ve gotta know…Did the pea get squished while in your ear? Sounds like it came out way too easily!
Oh my god, that’s horrific! And thrilling! Something rotting up her nose, and you could smell it? I am now obsessed with that factoid. You should tell it every time you do something idiotic, because no one will remember the idiotic thing, they’ll be so distracted by the thought of the rotting smell.
If you could smell it, imagine what it was like to have the smell INSIDE the nose.
Melody Granger says
Ughhhh….holy shit, I just remembered something disgusting that happened to me!
When my mom made home made fries the kids would still a fry before it was cooked and eat it. A piece got stuck under a loose molar & started rotting!
Whahahahahhaa…I got the tooth out fast because it was freakin’ disgusting! (How the hell did I forget that?)
So, I can’t say shit.
Mom B says
I do so many idiotic things that I can’t remember them because I’m an idiot.
I KNEW it was genetic! Great. That means it’s not my fault.
“Oh its probably not a good idea to lick cake batter with multiple raw eggs, while pregnant. Oops too late, and now that I’ve gone there, just a few more licks can’t hurt. Salmanella, shmalmanella.” The funny part is, every time I baked while pregnant I would fool myself into thinking, this time, I will have the will power to simply BAKE. Wrong. Always leading to extreme guilt and extreme tummy aches.
*Of course, without child, it is a brilliant idea and totally worth it
Not a jury in the world would convict you for eating cake batter. Raw batter causes temporary insanity. I have had batter blackouts.
You know what causes worse regret than batter? Cake batter ice cream. Did you ever get that from Cold Stone Creamery? The first taste is great, and then it gets more and more disgusting. But at those prices, who’s going to throw it out?
All I can say is mine involved telling a cop to “mind his own business.” That’s all I will say.
Enough said! No, that’s not true. I wish you’d say more.
Catherine Caine says
I think they can be generally summed up by *nom nom nom nom oh noooooo*
Followed by more “nom nom nom nom”.
Linda G. says
how about, “this post on Talking Shrimp was so funny… I think I’ll read some of the older posts. But I really should be doing those business emails I have to do for work, then get to the bank before it closes, then the accountant to drop off my tax info… I really shouldn’t read any more of these now.”
But I can’t help it… your humor is smart and addictive!
Oh, well now – you really can’t be blamed for that. Addiction is a disease. Thanks, Linda!
Gary H. says
Coming from the south I don’t recognize these as unusual events. Its like what the last words of a Red Neck generally are; “hey guys, watch this!”
That’s so good. I imagine the plant-throwing is the most relatable, in that case.
Nancy K. says
What I wonder is how could the emergency room get that hat off any easier than the idiot could. I have so many idiot moments, it’s hard to choose. It usually starts with “I really shouldn’t eat that [fill in the blank]” and ends with “God, why the hell did I eat that?” Or “I really shouldn’t watch anything Kardashian.” Then “Oh, good. Something Kardashian is on.”
My alarm always goes off at the supermarket: “I’d be an idiot to buy this ice cream. I’ll eat the whole half gallon in three days. Oh no, I’m at the register paying for it! Too late!”
Liz DiAlto says
Favorite part: “Think people really use that hinged pass-through for money? It serves no purpose other than to destroy faces.”
But seriously, who wears seat belts in cabs?
Luckily my moment was in my early 20s…on a trip in the Atlantis in the Bahamas…who knows what I was even drinking but I remember looking at a plant and thinking “it would be really funny if I threw that thing…” followed by…”I bet everyone would get really pissed off at me I probably shouldnt” followed by throwing the plant and being the only person who thought it was funny. Live and learn.
I don’t know who wears seat belts in cabs, but I can point out who doesn’t: those people with the “grill face” from hitting the plexiglass.
I’m laughing at how unfunny it is to throw a plant. I don’t see why no one else got the un-joke.
ps – fat AND cancer? Talk about a double whammy.
Karie Hill says
Me: I really shouldn’t have that third vodka martini. Oops, doing it anyway.
Four hours later wake up puking in boyfriend’s bed. Boy, did I feel like an IDIOT!!!
P.S. This happened last night. I wish I could say that it happened in my early twenties before I knew better. IDIOT!!
Ew! Right in the bed? At least you didn’t poop. I’ve heard of girls doing that. That’s a bad thing to do in the boyfriend’s bed.
If you only knew the idiot things I did in my 30s. Thank god I’m in my non-idiotic 40s.