In third grade, I loaned a quarter to Serena, the richest girl in my class. She wanted it for a packet of Munchos from the vending machine. When I say rich, I mean, rich. Serena’s family had, and has, their last name on the most famous buildings in the world. Buildings with observation decks, where people get engaged or try crazy climbing stunts or realize their […]
KEEP READINGchildhood
This one’s for the late bloomers.
It’s my birthday! [Update: It was. When I wrote this. If you’re reading this on October 30th, it is again!] I was supposed to arrive on October 25th. My mom took a chance and went to a Bar Mitzvah on the due date. There’s a picture of her in the parking lot of a synagogue, […]
KEEP READINGWayback Wednesday: That thing that might’ve almost happened to me on the way to piano
The real story is the one I never used. I always made some shit up when I wanted to skip an after-school commitment. “I didn’t make it all the way to Hebrew School because a drug dealer came up to me and offered me pot on 83rd Street. What, why are you mad, I thought you’d […]
KEEP READINGThe 20 Stages of Public Speaking
I stood on the high diving board, looking down. Nope, nope, nope. I was 10 years old, at the pool at Twin Lakes Tennis & Swim Club. That’s where my family went on hot days from our weekend house in Stamford, Ct. The usual suburban club: Moms with deeply freckled chests. Tennis whites. Cheeseburgers, defrosted crinkle-cut fries, ketchup […]
KEEP READINGWayback Wednesday: Therapy ruined my Wednesdays.
Before my parents made me go to therapy, Wednesdays were the most special day of the week. Not because of “hump day,” which is now the basis of the most annoying Geico ad ever (that one with the camels), but because it was a half day at my school. We got out for lunch, and our parents […]
KEEP READING3 very valid reasons to hate nor’easters
1) Old-timey apostrophes are goofy. Like in the word “per’aps,” which, I’m ashamed to remember, I went through a phase of saying instead of “maybe” when I was 11. That and the sandals with socks might be why even my little sister stopped thinking I was cool. 2) The weather part sucks, especially when you’re […]
KEEP READINGI’m insecure about my security questions.
Don’t you hate answering those internet “password hint” security questions? Actually, you probably don’t. You probably think they’re easy. But I always find myself second guessing. For instance: Who was your favorite teacher? I can’t decide on just one, so I know I won’t remember which one I put down for my answer. Was it […]
KEEP READINGHow Rubik’s Cube Made Me Popular
Big news! Someone has now invented a robot that can solve the Rubik’s Cube. Before you get too impressed by that, you should know that in 7th grade, I could solve the Cube in under a minute. Before you get too impressed by that, you should also know that I cheated. I bought a book […]
KEEP READINGDon’t be an idiot.
Check out the guy in the picture. He’s an idiot. Not for wearing a silly hat. But for gluing it to his head. With superglue. He had to go to an emergency room (one with pointless dolphins painted on the wall) to have it removed. I’m sure everyone asked the guy, “What were you thinking?” And […]
KEEP READINGtrick or treat, smell my costume
Happy Halloween! Or, if you’re reading this tomorrow, Happy Day After Halloween. For me, it’s happy for three reasons: Happy Halloween reason 1: No sixth avenue. I’m safely inside for the evening and have no reason to cross sixth avenue. The biggest mistake if you live in my neighborhood is to make plans that involve […]
KEEP READINGWhat I learned from not washing.
In my last post, I wrote about a dorky hat I wore in 6th grade, and its special water-carrying properties. I thought it was pretty cool that if a bunch of us were stranded at a campground, I could save the whole gang from dehydration by trekking to a lake or spring and hauling back […]
KEEP READINGThe Old Adventures of New Me
For kids and other people in school, Labor Day Weekend is like New Year’s. It’s a time of reinvention, when you start over with a clean slate, and make all kinds of outlandish promises about the “new you.”
KEEP READINGButch baby
Shiloh Jolie Pitt is stealing my look. It’s true. Normally, we average people latch on to celebrity styles. But this “celeb tot,” as the magazines call them, is clearly following mine. Shiloh is Brad and Angelina’s daughter, but, like I did at that age, she looks more like a son. Poor kid gets so much […]
KEEP READING“C” is for Child Star
Sesame Street was my one big television appearance as a kid. Being in the show open every day for several years can go to a kid’s head. I’m lucky I didn’t end up like the Diff’rent Strokes kids, bless. Other kids around the neighborhood were regulars on the show. I was jealous of those kids. […]
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