If you have a website, there are a bunch of tools you can use to check the visitor stats – how many people have visited today, how that compares to other days, how many are visiting right this second, etc. I use one called Woopra. It should just be called Stats Crack, because, as you […]
KEEP READINGsleeping with the dickheads
It’s sucky enough when summer ends. But here’s what’s suckier… When the one really hateful thing about summer (besides sweat and showing my feet) sticks around: Mosquitoes. I mean, WTF?
KEEP READINGYou people are animals.
I snapped this photo on my vacation last week in a wonderful, charming fishing village on the southern coast of France. No, actually, I was in Vegas. I spent two nights there for a work project. This quaint town square is really an exit corridor of a giant mall called Miracle Mile.
KEEP READINGtrick or treat, smell my costume
Happy Halloween! Or, if you’re reading this tomorrow, Happy Day After Halloween. For me, it’s happy for three reasons: Happy Halloween reason 1: No sixth avenue. I’m safely inside for the evening and have no reason to cross sixth avenue. The biggest mistake if you live in my neighborhood is to make plans that involve […]
KEEP READINGI’m too sexy for this haircut. (Aren’t you?)
Sometimes, instead of wading through the whole Times to find the good stuff, I check the “most popular” page online. Popularity is important to me. I don’t have patience for unpopular articles. But I don’t have patience for some of the popular ones, either. What’s the deal with this piece from last week that everyone […]
KEEP READINGNew! Conan teaser spots for TBS
Here are a few of the spots I wrote for the launch of Conan’s new show on TBS. They’re part of the “Missing You” campaign, by Stun Creative. Stun had the concept – people missing Conan, with the John Waite song – and asked me to come up with several scenarios. What do you think?
KEEP READINGDon’t take candy from perverts in tennis skirts.
I’m probably the last person to discover this DIY movie website, but I just came across it today and had to try it. Made this movie in 10 minutes, but I hope it will make an impact on millions of lives. My next movie will have better camera moves. UPDATE: Just changed the title of […]
KEEP READINGI suck at mind control.
I decided I don’t have enough charm. Relax, I’m not fishing for compliments. I’m aware that people like me. But you know those types who can talk people into things they’re not supposed to do?
KEEP READINGMost Valuable Popcorn Eater
I went to the Giants game on Sunday. I’ve never been to a football game before this one, except the rinky dink ones in college, and I don’t really understand football. I kind of get what’s going on when they show it on the TV show Friday Night Lights, because the commentary is so explicit. […]
KEEP READINGNo comment.
Oh, me so haw-ny! Me love you long time! Hello, I’m a comment whore.
KEEP READINGMusicals are bullshit. (Except when they really happen.)
I have a not-so-original objection to musicals, which is that it’s hard to buy the idea of ordinary people bursting into spontaneous song. Or, spontaneous with the help of an awkward segue. It’s always something like, “Hmm…how shall I put this? Let me try to explain…” (CUE MUSIC).
KEEP READINGWhat I learned from not washing.
In my last post, I wrote about a dorky hat I wore in 6th grade, and its special water-carrying properties. I thought it was pretty cool that if a bunch of us were stranded at a campground, I could save the whole gang from dehydration by trekking to a lake or spring and hauling back […]
KEEP READINGThe Old Adventures of New Me
For kids and other people in school, Labor Day Weekend is like New Year’s. It’s a time of reinvention, when you start over with a clean slate, and make all kinds of outlandish promises about the “new you.”
KEEP READINGChopsticks suck. (Or, why Don Draper and I should hang out.)
Last Sunday’s Mad Men (best episode ever, maybe) had a scene in Benihana, where Don Draper notices his date using chopsticks and asks, with a raised eyebrow, “you know how to use those?” What? Suave Don Draper can’t use chopsticks? He’s not easy to impress, so you know using chopsticks then must have been a […]
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