In 9th Grade, I handed in my Pride and Prejudice paper with broccoli stuck to it. As if this made it better, I circled the green smear with ballpoint pen and scribbled, “Mrs. Carpenter — sorry about the broccoli.” When I make presentation slides for a speech, I type plain text rather than find a nice graphic template. Instead […]
KEEP READINGWhy I lie to my calendar (or, what really happens outside your comfort zone)
“I didn’t know you were back.” My mom is always a little hurt when she finds out I’ve been back a few days from a trip and haven’t told her. But back isn’t really “back.” Sometimes there’s jet lag. Sometimes there’s a post-vacation “I don’t want to deal with the reality that my life can’t […]
KEEP READINGIt’s tragic that we don’t all write every day.
Inside our living room credenza, I have a clear plastic tub stuffed with old sh*t. Every few months, I take it out and go through a weekend-long ritual. I shuffle through photographs from the 90s, laugh at the pencil-thin eyebrows, and scan some choice shots of me and my friends from when we still had baby fat on […]
KEEP READINGA severe case of “don’t wanna do sh*t”
Last week, I treated myself to some heavy-duty, delightfully effective Tylenol Cold and Flu. Man, do I love Western medicine! Praise Duane Reade. Blessed be CVS. My one complaint is the damn packaging that breaks off your fingernails. “Peel from this corner” is the biggest tease of all time. Why don’t they let us go through all […]
KEEP READINGA business lesson from being dissed and then eating sand-covered ribs in practically a hurricane
That day at the Sunshine Shack, we’d done everything right. Our friends Dan and Jess* had scored us beach chairs early. Dan had put in our order as soon as the owner showed up to start basting his meat. And yet, after watching everyone on the beach but us get their delicious-smelling ribs, Dan went to check on our lunch […]
KEEP READINGI never change. But who does?
The barista at my corner coffee shop hesitated when he saw me today. He had the large plastic cup in his hand, but before filling it with my usual order (all the way to the top with ice, then cold-brew coffee with about an inch of room for milk, please, and charge me for a medium […]
KEEP READINGMeditation hasn’t kept me from picking my face, and other mixed results
Excuse me while I gag on this sentence: I’ve been meditating. I did it today. I did it yesterday. I’ve done it most workdays for the last two months. I wasn’t going to. Everyone does it now, and everyone says to do it, but I have an overactive filter for new-age-garbage-sounding anything. I dismiss it whether […]
KEEP READINGThe 20 Stages of Public Speaking
I stood on the high diving board, looking down. Nope, nope, nope. I was 10 years old, at the pool at Twin Lakes Tennis & Swim Club. That’s where my family went on hot days from our weekend house in Stamford, Ct. The usual suburban club: Moms with deeply freckled chests. Tennis whites. Cheeseburgers, defrosted crinkle-cut fries, ketchup […]
KEEP READINGGotta be on time for yelling in public.
Yesterday was a good day for people yelling in public. I don’t mean they were having a good day. Judging from the yelling, two out of three were not. But it was a good day for spotting them. There was the lady, trim, groomed, late 50s, designer bag, skinny jeans — the picture of a middle-aged, upper middle […]
KEEP READINGStranger Danger for grownups: when parties are scary
Steven, my husband, has party anxiety. I should say, pre-party anxiety, because he’s always fine once he gets to the party. Like the one last night. The minute we got there, I looked at him like, “See? Aren’t you glad we came?” And he looked back at me like, “OK, this ain’t so bad,” because we’d […]
KEEP READINGOy. These people and their “biz” rules.
“Excuse me. You can’t have dogs in here.” That’s what everyone with a dog was told at the Silverlake Farmer’s Market in LA when I was visiting last year. Not by a cop. By my 4-year-old nephew, Samson. It’s not that he worries about food safety or crowd control. He just likes rules. They’re very important […]
KEEP READINGMy feet are sore and my tongue is all weird.
PART ONE The feet thing might be my fault. I hoard a certain model of Nike sneaker. It came out a couple of years ago, and I should’ve bought a million pairs. I should’ve known they’d be discontinued, because every sneaker and bra I love gets discontinued. I wear both into the ground. Till the […]
KEEP READINGAn argument about an argument on Washington Sq Park
“Who escalated first? WHO ESCALATED FIRST?” “You obviously think I escalated first.” “When you said that penises make immoral decisions, that was incredibly offensive.” “Your anger impinged upon me, bitch. I’m not apologizing because you still haven’t apologized to me!” “This stuff is not spoken, but it is so felt by me.” “You keep calling […]
KEEP READINGShould I get off my high horse about grammar?
Last week, I wrote a post on Facebook that I immediately wanted to delete. It was a clever little finger wag about grammar. I hate clever. I love dumb, I love funny, but clever is yuck. Clever is “Get it? Get it?” It’s a pursed-lip giggle with fanned fingers touched to pearls, in an “Oh […]
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