This summer, two convicted murderers broke out of prison in Upstate New York. You probably know about them. Richard Matt and David Sweat. There was a thing in the NY Times yesterday about the female prison employee who helped them escape. She did it because they flirted with her and got her to crush on them. Especially Richard Matt, […]
KEEP READINGYou could go blind from that.
July 4th weekend always brings back my childhood fear of going blind. Before I started worrying about nuclear war and cancer (which I thought I’d get because I ate Reddi Whip right from the spray can), I freaked out about losing my eyesight. There were 3 influences: 1) Little House on the Prairie. Nothing scared me like […]
KEEP READINGLong walks, white legs, exposed genitals and junkies: summer of 2015
This summer, I’m a restaurant widow. My husband, Steven, kicked off the season by opening a new restaurant in Soho right after Memorial Day. (Sessanta in the SIXTY Soho hotel. Tell them I sent you!) When your spouse has just opened a restaurant, you don’t see them much. I know, “restaurant widow” is not at all a […]
KEEP READINGThe one thing nobody tells you about being an entrepreneur
The one thing nobody tells you about being an entrepreneur is, your inbox will be full of emails every single day telling you “The One Thing Nobody Tells You About Being An Entrepreneur.” And you will click each one of those open, even though you know it’s only going to say some version of this: […]
KEEP READINGIf you’re so “in your body,” can you please move your legs and your cucumbers?
“I feel so in my body,” says the dancer in leg warmers. She’s stretching them, and her pointed toes, straight out in front of her — smack in the middle of the narrow hallway outside Studio 2, where I’ve just come out of my House dance class. Sweat from my drenched t-shirt drips on her, which is fair because she […]
KEEP READINGYour hands are tied, my ass.
You know what’s bullshit? When someone says, “I’d love to help you, but my hands are tied, I can’t.” I can’t take that charge off your bill. I don’t have the authority to change your flight. I can’t let you in, we’re at capacity. And you’re wearing ugly-ass shoes. I can’t bring you sushi, we only […]
KEEP READINGWhy didn’t anyone tell me I looked like this all the time?
I thought I was going to be a natural on camera. Yeah, no. We did a test shoot for my on-camera segments of The Copy Cure, an online copywriting course that I’m creating with my friend Marie Forleo. This test shoot revealed two things. 1) It’s hard to read from a teleprompter and not sound like […]
KEEP READINGWorst writing advice ever. Ever, ever.
I have fake eyelash extensions, I often put off writing, and I used to be in a cult. 3 things I’ve mentioned here before, and today they all tie together. First, about the cult: I’ll give the usual qualifier, which is that it wasn’t a cult-cult, more of a weekly workshop attended by about 70 […]
KEEP READINGHow to salvage a shitty day
My day today was going shitty. Nothing terrible happened, it was more of a low-grade shitty. 1) I woke up looking really puffy, especially around the jowl area. I say “jowl area” because it sounds less harsh and middle-aged than plain ol’ “jowls.” 2) I forgot to take the spoiled arugula with me when I went out for my […]
KEEP READINGIf you shout, I get to listen.
The woman waiting for her cappuccino was standing at the counter, facing squarely into the work station, yelling to the barista. “YEAH, NOW I’M RETHINKING IT, I’M RETHINKING THE WHOLE THING!” Her cappuccino? She wanted to switch to a latte? But her tone wasn’t the slightly higher, “excuse me” pitch you use when you ask […]
KEEP READINGWayback Wednesday: Therapy ruined my Wednesdays.
Before my parents made me go to therapy, Wednesdays were the most special day of the week. Not because of “hump day,” which is now the basis of the most annoying Geico ad ever (that one with the camels), but because it was a half day at my school. We got out for lunch, and our parents […]
KEEP READINGThe bad kind of cancelled
I’m home! Today’s the first day back after my trip to Costa Rica. Or, it was supposed to be. The night before my 7:15am flight, my friend (and ex-imaginary-arch-nemesis) Ash messaged me that a volcano had erupted and covered the San Jose airport in ash. (Really, what are the odds that my trip to visit Ash would […]
KEEP READINGI am so not spiritual.
I am so not spiritual. Inspirational sayings on a sunset background make me gag just like when I accidentally eat a hair in a salad. I hate yoga. #zzzzzzzzisitoveryet? But maybe I’d do it if there were no chanting and the teacher yelled instead of talking in that breathy voice. And if it were dancing instead […]
KEEP READINGI’m going to visit my sworn ex-imaginary-arch-business-enemy.
The non-refundable plane tickets are booked. I’m going to visit my arch enemy. OK, ex-arch-enemy. Because we’ve become friends. Well, really, ex-imaginary-arch-business-enemy. Because I made up the enemy part in my head. She never had any part in it. She’s a fellow copywriter/entrepreneur. People have often said to me, “You know who your writing reminds me of? […]
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