You know what’s bullshit? When someone says, “I’d love to help you, but my hands are tied, I can’t.” I can’t take that charge off your bill. I don’t have the authority to change your flight. I can’t let you in, we’re at capacity. And you’re wearing ugly-ass shoes. I can’t bring you sushi, we only […]KEEP READING
life and stuff
How to salvage a shitty day
My day today was going shitty. Nothing terrible happened, it was more of a low-grade shitty. 1) I woke up looking really puffy, especially around the jowl area. I say “jowl area” because it sounds less harsh and middle-aged than plain ol’ “jowls.” 2) I forgot to take the spoiled arugula with me when I went out for my […]KEEP READING
No one’s thinking about you as much as you are. (And why you don’t need to apologize for not blogging more)
I look like shit I look like shit I look like shit. That’s the thought that ruined my whole evening recently. And my steak. That day, I’d been part of a photo shoot for a friend who’s a stylist and needed to put outfits on real people (read: so. not. models.) for her blog. She had pros there to do my […]KEEP READING
Who hangs up on people?
On TV, people are always hanging up on each other. Sometimes it’s meant rudely. “You’ll see my smiling face in court.” CLICK. Sometimes it’s just a natural end to the conversation. “I gotta go.” CLICK. I’ve never been able to do this, either way. Even in a heated argument with a customer service representative, the […]KEEP READING
You know you want a fever.
I wasn’t feeling good yesterday. I got home from working with my friend Marie — after being unable to finish my chicken noodle soup, abusing Marie’s bathroom repeatedly and spraying the last of her “Crapper Trapper” (a Poo Pourri product with a military font to market to men but fine for ailing women), trudging the few blocks home with all my muscles […]KEEP READING
This blizzard brought to you by scarcity panic and Pepperidge Farm
They’re predicting 3 feet of snow, the mayor is saying it’ll be the worst our city has ever seen (it won’t be), and everyone has already run to the supermarket to buy all the bread. Not me, though. I have bought no bread. I was busy eating burp-y Italian food. While everyone else was panicking […]KEEP READING
Is there treatment for a time problem?
We talk about eating disorders, body dysmorphia, phobias, substance abuse, depression… But what about a time disorder? What do you call it when you never get along with days, hours and minutes? Is there a name for that? When you always have one clock in the house that’s on the wrong hour setting — daylight savings when […]KEEP READING
5 Married-People Arguments We’ll Have Till The End Of Time
Someone place the 911 call now. Winter is coming, and for me and Steven, it brings our worst domestic dispute. OK, make it 311. It won’t come to blows, and calling 911 for non-emergencies really pisses them off. I know, because I once called the fire department when I was worried about tree branches that were growing […]KEEP READING
Birthday FAQs (Don’t smile don’t smile don’t smile.)
It’s my birthday! For the occasion, I will answer your top birthday FAQs. Thanks for asking! Any big plans for tonight? Birthday party? Just dinner out, which is fine by me. If I had a party, I’d spend weeks worrying that I can’t not invite you, but if I do, will you mix with my other friends? Or […]KEEP READING
Greetings from Casa Mom ‘n’ Dad
If you’re wondering why I haven’t posted in the last week… Well, there was a little thing called Sandy. An event during which I thought it would be a tad insensitive, or “tone deaf” to write my silly blog posts. (Yikes, it probably still is.) And if you’re wondering why I haven’t posted in the […]KEEP READING
A life with no regrets. (Except these.)
In the past couple of years I’ve been into some self-help-y, self-discovery-ish stuff called “Transformation.” If you know me, you wouldn’t think it was very me. I’m not a rainbows-and-butterflies-and-group-hugs type. But I’m attracted to the practical side of it: all about living in the moment, how what you resist pers– never mind, I’m getting […]KEEP READING