It’s my birthday! [Update: It was. When I wrote this. If you’re reading this on October 30th, it is again!]
I was supposed to arrive on October 25th. My mom took a chance and went to a Bar Mitzvah on the due date. There’s a picture of her in the parking lot of a synagogue, dressed up for temple and hugely pregnant.
She stayed that way (the pregnant part) for another 5 days.
I’ve been late to the game in most ways ever since. It’s my nature, I put things off.
Here are some ways I’m a late bloomer.
- Preschool application, saved by my mom, says that I was slow to train myself “at toileting.” (“But making good progress.”)
- First period at 15. Even before the age of hormones in milk, that was way late. Would’ve been happy to wait longer.
- Tried sushi at 17, pretty late for a new yorker. I was persuaded when I saw the calorie counts on the menu at Sakura on 83rd Street. I could have a 300 calorie dinner!
- Got driver’s license at 20. Never quite mastered it. I get the license renewed (always too late to do it by mail) because I’ll never pass the road test again. That was a fluke.
- Got into “clubbing” after college, at 21. Everyone else went in high school and even middle school. By the time I finally made it to Danceteria — in my 90s crushed velvet body-suit top and shoe boots — it was in a new space.
- Smoked pot for first time at 25. I only said yes because a legendary movie director rolled the joint, and I thought, “if not now, when?” Tried it again at age 45 after I heard Matthew Weiner wrote every Mad Men script high, and you could choose what feeling you wanted with these new strains. Still didn’t feel it.
- Moved out of my parent’s house at 26. Before that, I liked telling people, “I live with roommates. A nice older couple on the Upper West Side who don’t charge me rent.”
- First cavity at 26. Second in my mid-40s. Holding steady at two.
- First and last drag on a cigarette: age 28.
- Inappropriate rebellion boyfriend from age 29-31
- Started learning to dance at 29. (Directly related to inappropriate rebellion boyfriend)
- Discovered half-and-half in coffee at 33.
- Got skinny jeans in 2008. (They’d been in for two years.)
- First glass of red wine (that wasn’t Manischewitz) at 35. Had always rejected red wine as tasting like liquid poo, but I had a lightbulb moment in a steakhouse where I realized red wine tasted like a toothpick, a flavor I kinda like.
- Got married at 37. In his toast, my dad used what he said was an army term: J.I.T., for Just In Time.
- Had kids at never
- Started blogging in 2009 – it seemed too late at the time
- Started my first business at 40. Mostly by accident. It was just going to be a blog. But then I got sacked from a big TV contract and had to make a go of it.
- Put something in my shop to sell 7 years into my business
- Started using Uber a year after everyone else
- Tried yoga in 2017 at age 47
- Just now (2017) giving in to emojis. They’re here to stay.
- Wake up most days after 9am, when most of the world is already on a conference call
- The only deadline I make is the date described as “at the very latest”
(Trying to do better. Slow to train myself, but making good progress.)
- UPDATE: Had my first million-dollar-year at 50. First book deal, too. (Look for Tough Titties, Hachette Books, summer 2022!)
If you’re a late bloomer too, here’s to you. I’ll meet you at Danceteria.