If you have a website, there are a bunch of tools you can use to check the visitor stats – how many people have visited today, how that compares to other days, how many are visiting right this second, etc.
I use one called Woopra. It should just be called Stats Crack, because, as you can imagine, any real-time metric of how popular you are is extremely habit-forming. It’s probably not that healthy to gauge your self-worth by anything that fluctuates like that, as I do a zillion times a day. Lots of peaks and valleys – don’t do it if you’re not extremely confident, or on mood stabilizers.
But there’s one thing I can click on that never leaves me disappointed: the “search terms” tracker. It shows me the different things people look for on google that lead them to my blog. Here’s a partial view of the list:
Based on a few of these items, I’m attracting just the right kind of sick fucks.
I feel bad, though, because – as often happens with google – what they find might not be an exact match for what they’re seeking. For instance, they type “dancing penis out” because they want to know about dancing with your penis out, and they’ll find this post that mentions hypothetical umbrellas with “dancing penis” patterns on them.
What a bummer if you were looking for a video of someone doing the running man with his junk poking out of his Fruit of the Looms.
So now, I’m going to try and throw these people a bone. No, not a dancing bone. Just a little substance in case they search for any of the following things again:
what to do with nosey bitch
I’ve written about nosey [sic] bitches, but not what to do with them. I’ll tell you what to do with them: tell them to mind their own fucking business. Or, keep a fake journal that says a big, Hollywood talent scout is coming to visit. The nosey bitch will read it, get all excited, and then make a fool of herself dressing like Shirley Temple and performing “Good Ship Lollipop” for a stern woman who is actually her father’s very important architecture client. This worked to teach Cindy Brady a lesson, and it’ll work on the nosey bitch in your life, too.
You know what’s weird? That no one gets on roosters’ cases for saying cacadoodledoo. I know it’s not spelled that way, it’s cockadoodledoo, but what does it matter? The rooster is either saying, “shit-shit-dle-shit” or “dick-shit-dle-shit.”
And you realize, of course, that it’s only roosters in kids’ books who say that, right?
Real roosters say “roo roo roooooo!” Who decided that sounds like “cockadoodledoo”? Probably a pervert who liked the idea of kids unknowingly crowing “dick-shit-dle-shit!” in code, at story time.
do crackheads get the munchies
You can only get the munchies, in my opinion, for something you can munch. And to munch something, it has to have a crunchy texture. “Munch” is a horribly misused term. For instance, US magazine will often say, “celebrities munched on oysters.” That’s like saying they munched on pudding. You can ‘t munch on an oyster. Not even if you’re a celebrity. You can slurp it, suck it down, or puke it up if it’s a bad one. But munch? No.
Same with lollipops, which is what crackheads eat. They like the sugar. You could munch the lollipop if you bit it, like that Tootsie Pop owl who has no self-control. But crackheads aren’t that hungry. They only have an appetite for smoke. So there’s your answer: No.
beefsteak charlie shrimp commercial
I loved it when my parents took us to Beefsteak Charlie’s. They had everything I wanted: video games, and prime rib with mushroom sauce.
The best ad was the one where a bunch of customers, in some orgiastic, out-of-body state induced by the bottomless shrimp bowl, would moan, “Mmmm, shrimp shrimp shrimp shrimp shrimp.” I couldn’t find that one on youtube, but here’s one that does indeed showcase the shrimp.
I don’t think you’re supposed to keep shrimp all piled up in a deep bowl like that. Shouldn’t every layer of shrimp be nestled in ice? Which leads me to believe that the jingle lyric “You’re gonna get spoiiiiiiled” is addressing the shrimp.
how to get don draper hair if you’re chinese
Shouldn’t this be easy? John Hamm has straight, black hair. I think he IS Chinese. The real question should be: how to get Don Draper hair if you’re black or jewish. Or wait, maybe the person wants to know how to literally get Don Draper’s hair. Meaning, scalp him. That’s a challenge for any ethnicity. White, black, brown, yellow; it’s hard to scalp a fictional character.
i love to smell her stinky watchstrap
There’s a word for this fetsish: dirtybuttsmellphilia. The underside of a leather watch strap, the inside of a cast, and an unwashed belly button all have the same smell as dirty butt. They’re like Designer Impostors for people who like that scent.
There’s a similar thing, which I learned from my friend, who learned from her grandfather, that someone who likes to sniff moist bicycle seats in summer is called a “snurge.”
is shrimp a bad word
Yes, shrimp is a bad word, if it’s pronounced “fuck.”
If you’re one of the people who came to Talking Shrimp via these search terms, I hope I’ve given you a little something for your trouble.
Anything else I should address? Let me know in the comments.