Warning. STAY INSIDE! That’s what I like to hear in winter. “Going out of doors may cause frostbite, which leads to amputation.” Otherwise, I spend the weekend like I did this one, feeling like it’s too cold and snowy to leave the house but being proved wrong and lazy by people outside my window who […]
KEEP READINGNo one’s thinking about you as much as you are. (And why you don’t need to apologize for not blogging more)
I look like shit I look like shit I look like shit. That’s the thought that ruined my whole evening recently. And my steak. That day, I’d been part of a photo shoot for a friend who’s a stylist and needed to put outfits on real people (read: so. not. models.) for her blog. She had pros there to do my […]
KEEP READINGWho hangs up on people?
On TV, people are always hanging up on each other. Sometimes it’s meant rudely. “You’ll see my smiling face in court.” CLICK. Sometimes it’s just a natural end to the conversation. “I gotta go.” CLICK. I’ve never been able to do this, either way. Even in a heated argument with a customer service representative, the […]
KEEP READINGYou know you want a fever.
I wasn’t feeling good yesterday. I got home from working with my friend Marie — after being unable to finish my chicken noodle soup, abusing Marie’s bathroom repeatedly and spraying the last of her “Crapper Trapper” (a Poo Pourri product with a military font to market to men but fine for ailing women), trudging the few blocks home with all my muscles […]
KEEP READINGWomen on TV have sex and moisturize so much
Three things that confound me about women on TV: 1) They are always ready to bone. And that’s all it takes. I’m talking network TV, not cable or comedy. Those show some real, awkward fumbling stuff. But on a drama, even a decent one, there’s no “Wait, wait, not ready” (note to NPR – new game show?) […]
KEEP READINGMom, this business is copying me.
When I was 6 and my sister was 3, she copied everything I did. I’m being specific about our ages because when I was 15 and Marian was 12, she was way cooler than I was, and had no desire to copy. She had make-out parties on the loft in my room with her enviously co-ed gang […]
KEEP READINGThis is some weird-ass sexual harassment.
I’m used to getting catcalls on the street. I’m sorry, that was a typo. I meant to write, I used to get catcalls on the street. These days, if I hear someone yell something lewd or make a kissy sound, I roll my eyes like I always did, then realize that’s presumptuous and do the 16 […]
KEEP READINGThis blizzard brought to you by scarcity panic and Pepperidge Farm
They’re predicting 3 feet of snow, the mayor is saying it’ll be the worst our city has ever seen (it won’t be), and everyone has already run to the supermarket to buy all the bread. Not me, though. I have bought no bread. I was busy eating burp-y Italian food. While everyone else was panicking […]
KEEP READINGWayback Wednesday: fake pets, pantyhose, and a pervert
Was the Woolworth’s from my childhood, on 79th and Broadway, special? Probably not. I bet the residents of the Upper West Side kvetched about it when it moved in in 1957, and said “FAN-tastic. Another Woolworth’s,” in the same way we all do now about another CVS or Bank of America. But I have a soft […]
KEEP READINGIs there treatment for a time problem?
We talk about eating disorders, body dysmorphia, phobias, substance abuse, depression… But what about a time disorder? What do you call it when you never get along with days, hours and minutes? Is there a name for that? When you always have one clock in the house that’s on the wrong hour setting — daylight savings when […]
KEEP READINGWayback Wednesday: You’re Tan Or You’re Nobody
I got back from vacation in Tulum, Mexico, and a friend accused me of wanting to have dinner this week just so I could show off my tan. Ha! Shows how much he knows. I haven’t been tan in 20 25 years. [Updated for 2019] First of all, all my melanin has shut down. You don’t […]
KEEP READINGGood boss, bad boss
I’m the boss of me. Which means… 1) I have the best boss! 2) I have the worst boss. Best: I’m letting me go on vacation tomorrow, so close to my last vacation. No guilt trip about how it’s “bad for company morale.” No warnings about how this is eating into my summer vacation, or requests […]
KEEP READINGI need to start doing weights.
If there’s ever an apocalypse, I’m going down with the first bunch. I will not be in the group foraging for squirrel meat and setting up camp wherever they find flat ground. First of all, because I wouldn’t survive that scenario. I’ve barely made it through any camping trip I’ve ever gone on. Not once, but twice, on […]
KEEP READINGWayback Wednesday: My dad, the ski lodge pimp
One time, on a ski vacation, my dad tried to pimp me. Maybe that’s misleading. He was trying to find me “teens my age.” That was always his thing. Not always teens, but always kids my age. My dad loves meeting people more than the average person loves meeting people. And from his days selling both Catholic […]
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