Three things that confound me about women on TV:
1) They are always ready to bone. And that’s all it takes.
I’m talking network TV, not cable or comedy. Those show some real, awkward fumbling stuff. But on a drama, even a decent one, there’s no “Wait, wait, not ready” (note to NPR – new game show?) and there’s no “Shoot, you should’ve told me you wanted to tonight, I wouldn’t have eaten that huge burger. I need to digest first.” It’s always go-time, and “go” means…
The guy sticks it in. Her eyes and mouth fly open in surprised ecstasy. Or, the eyes shut, but either way, mouth open. Does drool come out of that open mouth? No, of course not, because no need to concentrate. Just let the thrusting do the work, till they both scream together, and collapse, laughing.
That’s all there is to it.
Actually, TV has added the way-to-frequent “chowing down” scene to the doin’ it repertoire, but that’s no better. Because the guy (or sometimes woman, if it’s a scene with Kalinda on The Good Wife) always dives under the duvet. All I can think when I see the head rooting around under the heavy down quilt is, “Wouldn’t you want some air?”
And can we discuss Kalinda and how she’s ready to knock boots (knee-high ones) with anyone who has information? I don’t see her showering that much afterwards, either. She puts back on that same leather skirt and goes back to work.
2) They will stop in the middle of a workout to chat (usually about boning)
If you take the trouble to squeeze on a sports bra and tie sneakers and go for a run, are you really going to pause in the middle of it for 5 minutes of girl talk? Heart rate, people! If I’m running, and anyone stops me — like, to ask for directions, or say “WATCH IT BITCH, IT’S A RED LIGHT!” — no way I stop and grab a bench. That like, undoes your whole workout. I will bounce around in place with my fingers on my neck pulse to make it very clear to the universe that the BURNING FAT sign is still on. No. You don’t stop and chat. Ridiculous.
3) They always moisturize before bed.
I know we’re supposed to, but am I the only one not rubbing lotion on my hands and elbows while discussing the day with my husband? They take forever with it, too. Slow, methodical. Are all the shows sponsored by Dove, or is this really a thing every woman does? Maybe that’s the secret to wanting to bone all the time.
Discuss, please! What do you have to say about these two things? Are they both normal?
TELL ME IN THE COMMENTS.
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So true about the moisturizing before bed! What other examples besides Good Wife have you seen? I feel like even though I’ve seen it so many times, I can’t think of any other examples!
Yes!! Need more examples!! Trying to google it.. but it’s not answering the way I need it to lol
Peter Schwartz says
LB “…no way I stop and grab a bench. That like, undoes your whole workout.”
Actually, it’s better if you do let your heart calm down and then get it going again. So hit the bench and then start running again.
Intervals, if you want.
Yes, add the elbows and hands -I swear that sh*t works! Now you got me thinking about adding more ‘balance’ by having sex as much as I moisturize. Little more time consuming but a lot more fun!
Btw, I wanted to comment on your latest cult post, but I don’t see it up. Maybe it hits emails first. I’ll be patience then 😉
So true! Though suddenly I feel like a dork for telling you that moisturizing was my motto. Guess it helps that I’m a hand model, so it’s not AS lame as another person pushing such behavior. Still, it reminds me of when I used to be embarrassed to admit this obsessive habit. Maybe now I feel it’s my duty to tell women that I do my part to take care of these body parts. Now if I was boning as much as I was lubing up, boy I’d be a slut.
No, I’m totally down with it! If *you* tell me to do it, I will. I mean, look at your PARTS!
I do it religiously with my face and neck, and wish someone had told me to get the neck way earlier. So now I’m going to become one of those women and get the hands and elbows, too.
I always lotion before bed but I don’t have a man to worry about so I can moisturize until the cows come home. I’m not sure who Kalinda is, but she sounds like my kind of woman. Does that make me a slutbag?
You need to watch the Good Wife, and report back. If she’s your kind of woman, I’m sure she’ll gladly have sex with you! But you meant your sort. In which case, you should be friends with both her and Alicia, the main character, who has a moisturizing routine.
I’ve tried to do the lotion thing but it takes forever! No way do I have time for that every day. The other thing that drives me insane is the “girl talk during workout class”. Can you imagine two people actually having a normal volume (and always about sex) conversation in a real yoga class??
I so agree! It’s always during yoga. In real life, someone would turn around and ask them to please leave this sacred space if they need to talk. I don’t do yoga, but the only acceptable expression in any workout class I’ve been to is “WHOO!”
Omg the lotion before bed thing!!!!!!!!!!!
So laborious and involved. If I were even to attempt a lotion routine, it’d be splurt splurt, slap it on, rub it in, go to bed. Not all that stroking.