You know how on TV and in movies, when an addict gets clean and then falls off the wagon and starts using again, there’s always a scene of him/ her crying while shooting up or sucking the crack pipe? The face is frozen in a sobbing, rotten-toothed rictus. Then camera pans to zombie-like, drooling junkies all around on filthy […]
KEEP READINGUncategorized
Dreams really do come true.
Nobody likes to hear about your dreams. That is, unless either a) they’re about the person you’re talking to (and that person had a sexy role in the dream) or b) they predict something that actually happened, and it doesn’t sound like you’re making it up. I’ve had prophetic dreams twice. You’ll like these, I’m really […]
KEEP READINGNothing is the new anything.
Where did this blank is the new blank thing start? Was it “brown is the new black” circa 1994? That’s when I first heard it, and I obeyed by replacing all my black accessories with brown. Black boots? Tacky! Brown boots. Good. I hate that saying. Or is it a meme? Is meme the new saying? […]
KEEP READINGOpinions are like _____.
The NY Post ran this “opinion piece” this week. (I won’t link to it, since I need the web visitors more than Rupert Murdoch does.) I guess opinions are like nipples – everyone’s got ’em, and some people have the need to share theirs with the world – probably after standing in front of a fan – […]
KEEP READINGThere’s a small window.
When someone says something and you don’t really hear what they said, because you’re deaf as shit… Or when someone makes a joke you don’t get… …And then you pretend you totally heard it or totally got it, and you laugh along, throwing your head back with appreciation, and say, “Right?” When that happens, there’s a window to […]
KEEP READINGDon’t wake me. (Or, why I got fired.)
If it’s 8am, I’m still sleeping. Go away. 9am? Still sleeping. Maybe even at 10. I’m not proud that I sleep so late, but I’m proud that I can. I’ve built a successful business that lets me be the Queen of Snooze that I am. (So can you. More on that down the page.) Fun […]
KEEP READINGThey’re watching.
I’m not normally paranoid. I don’t think everyone’s talking about me. I don’t think everyone’s out to get me, or to steal my identity — even though it turns out they actually are. But, in specific areas of my life, I do think someone’s watching me. There are two occasions where I’m certain I’m being […]
KEEP READINGA thank you note to the a-hole who stole my identity.
Dear A-hole Who Stole My Identity, Thanks a lot! Yes, I’m being sarcastic. And I continue to be when I say that I hope you’ve enjoyed your shopping sprees at Sears, Kohls, BestBuy, Pier One, JC Penney, and whatever stupid big box store was next to issue you a line of credit in my name. I’m […]
KEEP READINGAm I letting myself go?
I was out on the street this morning, doing the daily 3-block walk I try to make myself do if it’s over 30 degrees out. Really 6 blocks, to Citarella, my 3-block landmark, and back. Sometimes I stop into Citarella even if I don’t need anything, because in the winter I need a reward for […]
KEEP READINGTime for camp! (with pics)
[NOTE: This is a copy of an email I sent to my list. If you’re not on the list, you should subscribe at the bottom.] Hey there — I was just thinking about you. What I was thinking is, if you’re reading this (oh, you are) and you haven’t signed up for Marie Forleo’s B-School, then […]
KEEP READINGI see you looking.
I’m writing this from the window of my new apartment. (Visual at end of postl.) We’re on the second floor, which doesn’t sound all that glamorous and does have its drawbacks – I’m talking to you, blinding street lamp at eye level – but it offers some preemo people watching. Douchebags shouting on cell phones, old people […]
KEEP READINGBruce’s Buttons
Why am I showcasing my friend Bruce’s buttons? Read this post.
KEEP READINGAn early Father’s Day card: 1 of the many reasons I love my dad.
For context: 1) My Dad somehow chose a Facebook setting that emails him every one of his friends’ status updates. 2) He responds to these updates by email. 3) This is Simon Doonan: simondoonan.net
KEEP READINGGrout lung, and other perils of bad hiring decisions
I suck at hiring people, and at managing them. The last couple of weeks have confirmed this, because we’re getting our apartment ready to sell, and that involves hiring people to do things. Which I’ve done, to sucky effect. 1. The bathroom guys. First, we had to re-grout the bathroom tiles and re-glaze the tub. […]
KEEP READING