Halloween is almost here! Does that excite me? No, it scares me. Here’s why: The parade. There’s extra adrenaline in the air on Halloween. People are buzzed on candy and sexual possibilities. People like that, in a crowd, are trampling and suffocation waiting to happen. My fear of getting crushed to death gets a spooky […]
KEEP READINGUncategorized
Apple Memories
I’ve used Apple computers since 1982.* Before my family got one, my computer experience was limited to the one at school. It was at a desk in the center area, and we’d all wait for our turn to sit and use it. It had glowing green type on a dark greenish screen, and the coolest […]
KEEP READINGEating Irene (a tale of panicked supermarket decisions and devastating caloric damage)
I just threw out half an apple cake. I should probably do the same with the unopened pretzel m&ms. Too late for the Baked Lays, the Salt and Vinegar Kettle Chips, and both pints of Haagen Dazs. Oh, there’s also the nub of a blondie from the Korean deli. I could toss that. I normally […]
KEEP READINGSometimes the squeaky wheel looks like a dipshit.
My dad loves the expression “The squeaky wheel gets the oil.” He also loves demanding oil when he’s told there is no oil, or that the squeaky wheels aren’t allowed to have it. Which brings me to another favorite expression of his: “Would it be possible for you to make an exception?” The lesson I […]
KEEP READINGThings I’m dumb enough to half-believe
I’m a smart person, but part of me is stupid. Or maybe it’s not part of me – maybe it’s just living inside me, like a tapeworm. Except it’s a brainworm. And instead of eating my brain, it feeds my brain, with stupid ideas I know are wrong but somehow still think are true. Does […]
KEEP READINGThe Baby-Man Who Convinced Me NOT to Have Kids
In my last post, I wrote about the cultural pressure to have kids. I didn’t get into why I don’t want to have them. So here’s a little on my reasons, and the giant Baby-Man, or Man-Baby, who confirmed them. I was on the fence for a long time. Being on the fence about kids when […]
KEEP READINGImmortal words on Sandy Duncan, Florida, and big cocks.
With Sandy Duncan’s name all over the news this week, I couldn’t help but think of — and miss — my husband’s mom, who was a big fan. OK, minor correction: Sandy Duncan wasn’t exactly all over the news. I happened to see her name in one lone New York Times article about Wheat Thins, […]
KEEP READINGIf you’re a stupid crybaby, press 1
Here’s a New Year’s resolution: No more crying customer service calls.
KEEP READINGyou can lead a slave to toenails…
“make slave eat toenail clippings” You read right. Someone typed that in to their search bar, and among the top results was this blog.
KEEP READINGWhat I want, and other notes for Santa
To Santa: Do you know that this past Saturday, there were several thousand douchebags dressed like you, wandering around New York in drunken packs, blocking the sidewalks and puking in the street? They must have learned this from you. You need to be a better role model.
KEEP READINGPass the pretzels. And by pretzels, I mean gorillas.
It’s a slow news week here at Talking Shrimp. Or, I should say, a slow think week. I never have much in the way of news, but I often have thoughts. This week, not many. I just realized why: It’s because I’m so busy rethinking my pretzel.
KEEP READINGThe top five things that happen when you’re old
Are you freaked out about getting old? I used to be. I formed my notions about aging by observing my grandparents.
KEEP READINGdesperately seeking cacadoodoo
If you have a website, there are a bunch of tools you can use to check the visitor stats – how many people have visited today, how that compares to other days, how many are visiting right this second, etc. I use one called Woopra. It should just be called Stats Crack, because, as you […]
KEEP READINGsleeping with the dickheads
It’s sucky enough when summer ends. But here’s what’s suckier… When the one really hateful thing about summer (besides sweat and showing my feet) sticks around: Mosquitoes. I mean, WTF?
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