You know how on TV and in movies, when an addict gets clean and then falls off the wagon and starts using again, there’s always a scene of him/ her crying while shooting up or sucking the crack pipe? The face is frozen in a sobbing, rotten-toothed rictus. Then camera pans to zombie-like, drooling junkies all around on filthy […]
KEEP READINGDreams really do come true.
Nobody likes to hear about your dreams. That is, unless either a) they’re about the person you’re talking to (and that person had a sexy role in the dream) or b) they predict something that actually happened, and it doesn’t sound like you’re making it up. I’ve had prophetic dreams twice. You’ll like these, I’m really […]
KEEP READINGNothing is the new anything.
Where did this blank is the new blank thing start? Was it “brown is the new black” circa 1994? That’s when I first heard it, and I obeyed by replacing all my black accessories with brown. Black boots? Tacky! Brown boots. Good. I hate that saying. Or is it a meme? Is meme the new saying? […]
KEEP READINGTen things I do when I’m tired
1) Walk towards mirrors and say “‘scuse me” to my reflection, and try to get out of her way. 2) Have a heartbeat in my eyelid. 3) Get deja vus that become deja vu about a deja vu. Did I think this thought before, or am I remembering thinking I’d thought this thought before, or was […]
KEEP READINGOpinions are like _____.
The NY Post ran this “opinion piece” this week. (I won’t link to it, since I need the web visitors more than Rupert Murdoch does.) I guess opinions are like nipples – everyone’s got ’em, and some people have the need to share theirs with the world – probably after standing in front of a fan – […]
KEEP READINGHow I rock the morning in under 30 steps
Now that Ive blogged 5 days in a row (including this one), making me one of the World’s Top Bloggers, people will want to know the keys to my success and creativity. It’s inevitable. I’m not gonna be shitty about it like Angelina Jolie was on the red carpet when E! asked her what she and […]
KEEP READINGThere’s a small window.
When someone says something and you don’t really hear what they said, because you’re deaf as shit… Or when someone makes a joke you don’t get… …And then you pretend you totally heard it or totally got it, and you laugh along, throwing your head back with appreciation, and say, “Right?” When that happens, there’s a window to […]
KEEP READINGI want to climb into the Giraffe pen
Just read on Gawker about a woman who climbed into a zoo’s giraffe pen and got kicked in the face by a giraffe named Wally – plus fined 686 bucks. Why would anyone do that? Her answer: “I love giraffes.” I kind of get it. Not the giraffe love, I’m totally indifferent to giraffes. They’re […]
KEEP READINGIs there hope for an undisciplined person?
You know how some people are just naturally disciplined? Like, finished college papers before anyone else had started, and then went on to vacuum the house and go to the gym, always get to the restaurant 5 minutes early, have nice nails, change every lightbulb right away instead of flicking the wall switch five times a day […]
KEEP READINGCan I do this every f*cking day?
OK, I have two things to confess. Jesus, I already hate this post. I hate when bloggers say they’re going to confess something and you get all excited for something juicy, like “I make out with my dog and I don’t just mean first base” or “My real hobby isn’t painting watercolor landscapes, it’s shoplifting Lanvin handbags […]
KEEP READINGAn overdue letter from naked camp
Here’s a picture of me and my sister on camp visiting day, around 1980. We’re sitting in the camp’s Quaker meeting circle. Don’t laugh at my sister’s shorts. Camel toe was very “in” back then. (Soon to enjoy a renaissance in Williamsburg, no doubt.) My cuffed jeans, you can laugh at. I’m thinking about camp […]
KEEP READINGWhen we’re angry, we say how we’re feeling.
That’s my dad in the 1970s. He’d been an engineer for Eastern Airlines, with perks like free flights around the world in First Class. He gave it up to become a psychotherapist, with perks like hearing peoples’ feelings. Yes, to him, that was a perk. Dad loves feelings. When my sister and I were angry […]
KEEP READINGHow a big hole can get you more attention.
The Diddler is back. No, The Diddler is not a Batman villain. It’s our nickname for the guy who plants himself outside our window a couple of times a day to have a smoke and jerk his fly up and down. Once or twice, I’m pretty sure he’s actually whipped out his thang and jerked that […]
KEEP READINGDon’t wake me. (Or, why I got fired.)
If it’s 8am, I’m still sleeping. Go away. 9am? Still sleeping. Maybe even at 10. I’m not proud that I sleep so late, but I’m proud that I can. I’ve built a successful business that lets me be the Queen of Snooze that I am. (So can you. More on that down the page.) Fun […]
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