Announcement! Talking Shrimp is going on vacation.
No, not without me. I’m on an afternoon flight tomorrow, direct to Napoli, Italy.
My husband is probably thinking I’ve given away too much information – like knowing our destination will make burglars more likely to break in. We have an elaborate alarm system of lasers like in Robin Coldord’s house on that Cheers episode, FYI. (I hope all the burglars out there have watched all of Cheers.)
All this is to say, I’ll be posting again when I’m back. You’ll know when I’m back because you’ll see a blog post. And if you see one before then, it means the burglars got in past the lasers, past my wordrpress password, and took over my blog and my business. (Burglars – would you, please?)
I get all kinds of nervous the day before a trip.
What do I need to pack, what will I pack that I know I won’t need but insist on packing anyway…because really, why would I dress fancier in a foreign country than I do in NYC?
And now I’m nervous about the flight. I’m nervous that the person in back of me will have the Knee Defender.
Did you read about this gadget? Evil genius.
It’s a contraption you snap onto your setback tray that keeps the person in front of you from reclining.
This week, a United Airlines pilot grounded a flight — actually landed the plane — because two passengers were fighting about the knee defender. A man locked ‘n’ loaded it, as the woman in front of him discovered when she tried to put her seat back. He refused to take it off, and she threw water in his face.
The discussion around it is all kinds of controversial. Pro-reclining, anti-reclining, pro-knee-defender, anti…
With all the high emotions around which passenger claims property rights, the space behind an airplane seat is the new Gaza. [Tweet “The space behind an airplane seat is the new Gaza. via @lbelgray”]
My take? I have the right to lean back. And, people should be courteous. If I lean back and Shaquille O’Neal is behind me, and he yells, “Ow!” when I hit his long legs, and then nicely asks, “Excuse me, would you mind putting your seat up? I know it’s your right to recline, but there’s no room for my legs” well then, by all means. I’ll sadly, but kindly, put my seat up and suffer even more than I normally do in coach.
Here’s what I have to say about the Knee Defender:
1) Not cool, bro. Genius but not cool.
2) Not necessary.
My sister and I did a DIY Knee Defender on my dad years ago. He was sitting in front of us on a flight, and annoying us – probably asking us to quit kicking him – so we put our feet up against his seat quietly, and pushed back when he tried to recline. He thought his seat was broken, so he summoned the flight attendant, whom he’d already detained many times to ask her where she was from, where exactly in Scotland, what’s her last name, maybe Jewish? Does she speak Scottish, and could he please have more ice with his tomato juice.
When she came over, as soon as he tried to show her how his seat wouldn’t go back, we took our feet away and let it go.
That’s how you do it!
But never mind the Knee Defender.
Here’s what they really need to invent.
The Arm-Rest Invader Repeller
This is a magic solution that makes your arm rest feel soaking wet to the person next to you, but you experience it as dry. Maybe it requires you to wear special sleeves. Haven’t figured it out.
Head Rest Hand Shocker
Anyone who uses your headrest to hoist themselves up when they stand gets tazed. Unless that makes a person lose control of their bladder and or bowels. Does it? Rethink.
Bathroom-Line-Jerkhead Lockdown Gate
Stay with me here. You know when you’re on your way to the restroom, because you’ve waited for the perfect moment when there’s no line, and someone down the aisle ahead of you spots you coming, jumps out of his/her seat, and beats you to the bathroom? I want prison-like bars, or a cage, to come down around that person’s seat at the press of a button. Right?
The Nose Defender
A gadget that clips your seat mate’s butt cheeks together, so farts won’t come out.
What did I leave out? Do you have any airplane invention ideas to protect your rights as a passenger and human?
What’s your stance on reclining and the knee defender?
TELL ME IN THE COMMENTS.
Or, leave a question for future posts. I love questions.