July 4th weekend always brings back my childhood fear of going blind. Before I started worrying about nuclear war and cancer (which I thought I’d get because I ate Reddi Whip right from the spray can), I freaked out about losing my eyesight. There were 3 influences: 1) Little House on the Prairie. Nothing scared me like […]
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Long walks, white legs, exposed genitals and junkies: summer of 2015
This summer, I’m a restaurant widow. My husband, Steven, kicked off the season by opening a new restaurant in Soho right after Memorial Day. (Sessanta in the SIXTY Soho hotel. Tell them I sent you!) When your spouse has just opened a restaurant, you don’t see them much. I know, “restaurant widow” is not at all a […]
KEEP READINGYour hands are tied, my ass.
You know what’s bullshit? When someone says, “I’d love to help you, but my hands are tied, I can’t.” I can’t take that charge off your bill. I don’t have the authority to change your flight. I can’t let you in, we’re at capacity. And you’re wearing ugly-ass shoes. I can’t bring you sushi, we only […]
KEEP READINGWhy didn’t anyone tell me I looked like this all the time?
I thought I was going to be a natural on camera. Yeah, no. We did a test shoot for my on-camera segments of The Copy Cure, an online copywriting course that I’m creating with my friend Marie Forleo. This test shoot revealed two things. 1) It’s hard to read from a teleprompter and not sound like […]
KEEP READINGWorst writing advice ever. Ever, ever.
I have fake eyelash extensions, I often put off writing, and I used to be in a cult. 3 things I’ve mentioned here before, and today they all tie together. First, about the cult: I’ll give the usual qualifier, which is that it wasn’t a cult-cult, more of a weekly workshop attended by about 70 […]
KEEP READINGThe bad kind of cancelled
I’m home! Today’s the first day back after my trip to Costa Rica. Or, it was supposed to be. The night before my 7:15am flight, my friend (and ex-imaginary-arch-nemesis) Ash messaged me that a volcano had erupted and covered the San Jose airport in ash. (Really, what are the odds that my trip to visit Ash would […]
KEEP READINGI am so not spiritual.
I am so not spiritual. Inspirational sayings on a sunset background make me gag just like when I accidentally eat a hair in a salad. I hate yoga. #zzzzzzzzisitoveryet? But maybe I’d do it if there were no chanting and the teacher yelled instead of talking in that breathy voice. And if it were dancing instead […]
KEEP READINGI’m going to visit my sworn ex-imaginary-arch-business-enemy.
The non-refundable plane tickets are booked. I’m going to visit my arch enemy. OK, ex-arch-enemy. Because we’ve become friends. Well, really, ex-imaginary-arch-business-enemy. Because I made up the enemy part in my head. She never had any part in it. She’s a fellow copywriter/entrepreneur. People have often said to me, “You know who your writing reminds me of? […]
KEEP READINGYou could lose your nose
Warning. STAY INSIDE! That’s what I like to hear in winter. “Going out of doors may cause frostbite, which leads to amputation.” Otherwise, I spend the weekend like I did this one, feeling like it’s too cold and snowy to leave the house but being proved wrong and lazy by people outside my window who […]
KEEP READINGThis is some weird-ass sexual harassment.
I’m used to getting catcalls on the street. I’m sorry, that was a typo. I meant to write, I used to get catcalls on the street. These days, if I hear someone yell something lewd or make a kissy sound, I roll my eyes like I always did, then realize that’s presumptuous and do the 16 […]
KEEP READINGThis blizzard brought to you by scarcity panic and Pepperidge Farm
They’re predicting 3 feet of snow, the mayor is saying it’ll be the worst our city has ever seen (it won’t be), and everyone has already run to the supermarket to buy all the bread. Not me, though. I have bought no bread. I was busy eating burp-y Italian food. While everyone else was panicking […]
KEEP READINGGood boss, bad boss
I’m the boss of me. Which means… 1) I have the best boss! 2) I have the worst boss. Best: I’m letting me go on vacation tomorrow, so close to my last vacation. No guilt trip about how it’s “bad for company morale.” No warnings about how this is eating into my summer vacation, or requests […]
KEEP READINGI need to start doing weights.
If there’s ever an apocalypse, I’m going down with the first bunch. I will not be in the group foraging for squirrel meat and setting up camp wherever they find flat ground. First of all, because I wouldn’t survive that scenario. I’ve barely made it through any camping trip I’ve ever gone on. Not once, but twice, on […]
KEEP READINGWhy I’m not a billionaire (yet)
Good news: I have many of the habits of billionaires. I just confirmed it. It’s that insomnia time of the month, which means I was up this morning at 4:30 am, doing all the rituals that help me get back to sleep: watch a so-so show on my iPad (Walking Dead, can’t seem to love it) get up and […]
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