I have an Umbrella Center in my front hall closet. It sounds impressive, but it’s actually a tote bag suspended from a coat hanger. At any rate, it used to be full of umbrellas. Nice ones. Today, on my way out into the pouring rain, I reached into the Umbrella Center, and came up empty. All I felt in there was a single shoe bag and a single glove.
You probably think I lost all those umbrellas, don’t you? Well, take that finger and point it at my husband. He is an umbrella stealer of the worst kind.
One by one, he’s taken every one of my prized umbrellas to work and left it there.
I thought I had a smart solution: I started buying really girly umbrellas. But I’ve discovered that no umbrella is too girly for Steven. I’ve tried every pattern, every color scheme, each time thinking, “he wouldn’t be caught dead carrying this one.” I was wrong.
He even took my rainbow umbrella. Rainbow.
This morning, he took my pink flowered one. I thought, I’d have to buy an umbrella with dancing penises on it for him to leave it here. But you know what? Even that wouldn’t work. Not even if the penises were frolicking with Hello Kitty.
I have to hand it to my husband. He is confident in his masculinity. I mean, this is a man who wore an ascot on our first date. He’s not afraid of femme accessories.
But I know what he is afraid of: anything ugly. So, today, I think I finally outsmarted him. I bought a big, ugly black umbrella made by Totes. The tag says, MEN’S GOLF UMBRELLA.
That should do the trick.
You'll have to disguise it as something other than an umbrella – a cane, maybe? – because what Steve sees when he sees an umbrella is a means for keeping dry. Robert
True, but a cane might look like a means for keeping dandy. Even more reason to take it.
You’ll have to disguise it as something other than an umbrella – a cane, maybe? – because what Steve sees when he sees an umbrella is a means for keeping dry. Robert
True, but a cane might look like a means for keeping dandy. Even more reason to take it.
“this is a man who wore an ascot on our first date.” — i always knew you dug that ralph furley look.
“this is a man who wore an ascot on our first date.” — i always knew you dug that ralph furley look.
Every day I just love you more and more. This post just made my day. Good luck with the umbrella thief.
Every day I just love you more and more. This post just made my day. Good luck with the umbrella thief.
Great story… I totally relate. I'm always trying to outsmart my husband by buying something I'm POSITIVE he won't use or like (we're talking food, household items, whatever) and then all the sudden it's gone. Yah, you got it, he decides it's the one thing he has been needing and makes it his own.
thanks for making me smile this morning!
LOL – Thank you for the great story! It was thoroughly enjoyed here this morning… 😉
Thanks for reading, Ms. Jessilicious. I thoroughly enjoy hearing that you enjoyed it. Or, maybe you mean it was thoroughly enjoyed by someone else – like your pet turtle. Or your pet dancing penis.
Great story… I totally relate. I’m always trying to outsmart my husband by buying something I’m POSITIVE he won’t use or like (we’re talking food, household items, whatever) and then all the sudden it’s gone. Yah, you got it, he decides it’s the one thing he has been needing and makes it his own.
thanks for making me smile this morning!
LOL – Thank you for the great story! It was thoroughly enjoyed here this morning… 😉
Thanks for reading, Ms. Jessilicious. I thoroughly enjoy hearing that you enjoyed it. Or, maybe you mean it was thoroughly enjoyed by someone else – like your pet turtle. Or your pet dancing penis.
I googled “Dancing penis umbrellas” and then simply “penis umbrellas” because I thought i would find some amusing umbrellas. To my chagrin, none seem to exist.
Yet another reason not to buy one. I'd have to have it custom made, and I'd get even more pissed when my husband took it. But now I want to know, why couldn't google find my “dancing penis umbrella” reference here? Can google not handle the idea of a dancing penis umbrella? Is this just blind denial?
Google is wacked.
I googled “Dancing penis umbrellas” and then simply “penis umbrellas” because I thought i would find some amusing umbrellas. To my chagrin, none seem to exist.
Yet another reason not to buy one. I’d have to have it custom made, and I’d get even more pissed when my husband took it. But now I want to know, why couldn’t google find my “dancing penis umbrella” reference here? Can google not handle the idea of a dancing penis umbrella? Is this just blind denial?
Google is wacked.
Adam carries my lunch bag to work. It is bright green with bright red ladybugs on it. His coworkers make fun of him. He is not ashamed. Cheap. But not ashamed.
Also, I keep thinking about your little bits of food in the fridge blog. Adam also leaves one bite left and puts it in Tupperware. Last night, he couldn't manage to eat one more bite of cauliflower or three more 1″ cubes of potato. I was full, but ate them. I'll be damned if we have to wash Tupperware for a bite and a half of food. Overweight. But damned.
I'm with you. So not worth saving in Tupperware. That's why I'll be damned if I'm going to save my one-bite remainders in something environmentally friendly. I put 'em in something disposable. Extra washing? I'm with you.
Do you think Adam is using cheapness as an excuse to carry that ladybug bag? I do.
You might be on to something. I have offered to buy him a lunch bag that's more manly (something with racecars?) and he has refused.
i think this is an unfair and biased view of the situation. i'm sure that steven has a very good reason for taking these umbrellas. i wish that blogs were more honest and that this steven person, who, by the way, seems like a really cool guy, could be heard. and maybe it wasn't an ascot, maybe it was some sort of nice scarf, which, by the way, have become very fashionable lately.
Mr. Butz, thank you for your refreshing perspective. Are you Steven's secret lover? And was he incorporating umbrellas and scarves into your loveplay? That would explain both.
why, i never. you should be ashamed. i'm a respected member of the armed forces (retired) and as such i have never used umbrellas, or scarves, of any sort in my 'loveplay'.
Laura – did you notice that while Seymour answered the question about incorporation of umbrellas and scarves in his loveplay, he avoided answering your other question? Hmmm.
I did notice that. Seems like Seymour isn't ready to make their love public.
That was a great story and way better than sharing it with the police! Really enjoyed it. Looking forward to more! Thank you.
Thanks, Kris! I lied — I really did go to the police, but they said I had to wait 24 hours before I could file a missing umbrella report.
Ha! That'll show him.
Sigh. Probably not. I just remembered him saying, “you know, in London, everyone carries plain black umbrellas.”
Adam carries my lunch bag to work. It is bright green with bright red ladybugs on it. His coworkers make fun of him. He is not ashamed. Cheap. But not ashamed.
Also, I keep thinking about your little bits of food in the fridge blog. Adam also leaves one bite left and puts it in Tupperware. Last night, he couldn’t manage to eat one more bite of cauliflower or three more 1″ cubes of potato. I was full, but ate them. I’ll be damned if we have to wash Tupperware for a bite and a half of food. Overweight. But damned.
I’m with you. So not worth saving in Tupperware. That’s why I’ll be damned if I’m going to save my one-bite remainders in something environmentally friendly. I put ’em in something disposable. Extra washing? I’m with you.
Do you think Adam is using cheapness as an excuse to carry that ladybug bag? I do.
You might be on to something. I have offered to buy him a lunch bag that’s more manly (something with racecars?) and he has refused.
i think this is an unfair and biased view of the situation. i’m sure that steven has a very good reason for taking these umbrellas. i wish that blogs were more honest and that this steven person, who, by the way, seems like a really cool guy, could be heard. and maybe it wasn’t an ascot, maybe it was some sort of nice scarf, which, by the way, have become very fashionable lately.
Mr. Butz, thank you for your refreshing perspective. Are you Steven’s secret lover? And was he incorporating umbrellas and scarves into your loveplay? That would explain both.
why, i never. you should be ashamed. i’m a respected member of the armed forces (retired) and as such i have never used umbrellas, or scarves, of any sort in my ‘loveplay’.
Laura – did you notice that while Seymour answered the question about incorporation of umbrellas and scarves in his loveplay, he avoided answering your other question? Hmmm.
I did notice that. Seems like Seymour isn’t ready to make their love public.
That was a great story and way better than sharing it with the police! Really enjoyed it. Looking forward to more! Thank you.
Thanks, Kris! I lied — I really did go to the police, but they said I had to wait 24 hours before I could file a missing umbrella report.
Ha! That’ll show him.
Sigh. Probably not. I just remembered him saying, “you know, in London, everyone carries plain black umbrellas.”