Last night at dinner, I asked Steven if we’d both end up wearing those diaper pants.
“Yeah, probably,” he said without much thought. “And I know I can’t convince you, but I think we should live in the country somewhere and have a car that lowers so it’s easy to get into. The city’s just tough when it’s harder to get around.”
Because of the romantic context — it was our anniversary — he thought I was talking about growing old together.
And of course that is the plan, and yes, one day we probably will wear “slacks” that can accommodate Depends. Which, by the way, are trying heroically to rebrand themselves as a shame-free thing by having D-lister Lisa Rinna wear them on the red carpet in commercials. Like, hey, anyone who’s anyone, or at least anyone with injected lips that look like they’re in anaphylactic shock from a shellfish allergy, is wearing undies they can piss in at social events. Let’s get some!
But those weren’t the kind of diaper pants I meant.
I was talking about these harem jeans that are everywhere now. I saw 5 different people wearing them on the street yesterday, and fashion week’s over, so these were just normal people, not models or Anna Wintour.
The crotch is about knee-height. Sometimes even mid-calf. They look like they’ve got a permanent load stored in them.
Think you won’t wear them? Not so fast.
I’m no fashion expert. But I know this: If you said, when you first saw skinny jeans back in 2006, “Aw hellll no, I won’t be caught dead in those 1980s-looking tapered jeans that only old junkies wear with Members Only jackets from Goodwill” — and you don’t remember saying it, but you did, and now you’re wearing them, possibly with a reissued Members Only jacket, you hipster you — well then don’t be so quick to say you won’t wear diaper pants.
Because you will. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not by Christmas, but a year from now, when that’s the only thing anyone else is wearing, and your croctch-level crotches all look so 2013, you’ll be giving in and buying the Gap’s 1969 brand Broken-In Vintage Wash Sexy Boyfriend Diaper Jean.
In fact, by then, all the crotches will be lower than the cuffs. Your crotch will be dragging on the ground and you’ll have to gather it up in your hands as you walk, like a Jane Austen character holding up her skirt.
The cool look will be a crotch sack that’s totally worn through from long-term sidewalk abrasion, because that means you had them back before they were cool.
So you might not want to wait. You can buy them right now on shopbop.com. Get it over with.
OK, one other thing to say about them, even though I know I’ll succumb.
What’s the point of these? I mean, I actually think the doo-doo drop thing is kind of cute. But as far as I’m concerned, the purpose of pants is that there’s fabric between your thighs so they don’t rub. A denim sack with leg holes, which is what these are, is a chafing rash waiting to happen. And then you end up walking bow-legged, which, combined with the saggy bottom, really looks like you made poopy.
Your thighs don’t touch? Well then what a shame you can’t show off the space between them in these jeans. Which make them a great equalizer. Point in their favor. Look, I’m already coming around.
Will you be wearing diaper pants?
Make your prediction here. I’ll rub it in your face if it turns out to be all wrong.
Or, what else do you have to say about them? What are your denim predictions for 2015?
TELL ME IN THE COMMENTS.
linda T. says
Our daughter is 14 and will be recieving her eighth grade confirmation on September 25th.The parish is strict and the boys have to wear a suit and ty and the girls have to wear a white,sleeveless,poufy,knee length flowergirl style dress with a headwreath,white camisole,plastic pants,white tights and the white mary jane style shoes.So that all of the girls are the same,the parish gives the girls the white adult size plastic pants to wear under their tights.
Clarice A. says
I grew up in a small town,Mt.Horeb,Wisconsin,just west of Madison.Our parish did confirmation at 16 and in 10th grade.There was me and 5 other girls and 4 boys in my class.The boys had to wear white suits and us girls had to wear a white,short sleeve,poofy,floor length dress and veil with white tights and white,patent leather shoes.We had to wear a white tee shirt as our under top with a 10 ply thick cloth diaper and white,adult size plastic pants over under our tights.All six of us girls were given the pair of plastic pants by the parish so we would all have on the same kind.The plastic pants fit us blousy and bunched up under our tights.The four boys in the class knew us girls had the diaper and plastic pants on and it was a little embarrassing seeing them looking at us!
Hallie Marie says
When i was 14,my dad and i went to a purity ball and i wore a cute pastel pink,ankle length dress with bouffant shoulders and elbow length sleeves and had a pink and white flowered headwreath with pink and white ribbons down the back on my head and wore pink wrist length gloves that matched my dress.To make me feel even more pure and innocent,mom put a size 8 pampers cruiser diaper on me first,then put a pink plastic diaper cover panty on over it,then my white tights over them followed by my pink mary jane shoes.I felt very pure and girly and dad and i had a great time!Upon talking to some of the other girls there,i found out a few others also had a diaper and plastic diaper cover under their dresses also.
Brandi L. says
I am 17 and was baptized two years ago when i was 15 at Easter Vigil.Per the parish baptism dress code,the boys had to wear white suits and all of us girls had to wear a poofy white short sleeve,knee length dress and bonnet with lace socks and white shoes and under our dresses we had to wear tee shirt with a cloth diaper and plastic diaper pants over it! My mom got the plastic diaper pants with nursery prints on them so i would feel cuter and more babyish.Several other girls also had the nursery print diaper pants on also,while some had plain white ones.
Carole M. says
Our 13 year old daughter made her First Holy Communion last may and per the parish dress code,all the girls had to wear a cloth diaper and plastic pants under their communion dresses to symbolize the purity of their baptisms when they were babies.I got the plastic pants in a size larger than she normally wears so as to fit her comfortably.This past christmas eve and day,she wore the diaper and plastic pants under white tights with her holiday dress.
Emily H. says
When i made my First Communion at age 15,my parents required me to wear a cloth diaper and plastic pants and camisole under my communion dress because i was boy crazy! They wanted me to keep my mind off of boys for the day and not want to ‘fool’ around! They told me i was to feel pure like the little girls and said the diaper and plastic pants would act as a deterrant! All of my friends saw the diaper and plastic pants under my dress at my party!
Denise Duffield-Thomas (the Lucky Bitch) says
haha – you’re testing my pelvic floor with this post!
Shoplifters and people who wear actual diapers are going to be so happy with the fashion police!
I think what is being missed here is the opportunity to market these things to road warriors. Hey lame-o trying to stuff your carry-on into the overhead! I’ve got a Playstation, 2 litre bottle of Evian, Kindle, toiletries bag, Snuggie, 5 changes of underwear and a portable defibrillator in my pants. Do you see me holding up the boarding process? NOT.
I really really really hope I never wear diaper pants. I intend to never wear them, but I fear you’re right about the inevitability of all things that become major trends. My only hope is that they don’t seem to have taken off here in Paris as much as they appear to have in New York!!
Thanks for a great laugh!
PS – Impressed you stuck with making your blog so regular!
I support any type of pant that doesn’t require a button and a zipper so that I can eat more without guilt….
so hell yes.
Does your crotch swell instead of your stomach when you stuff yourself? If so, you’re in luck. Otherwise, I’ll commission a stretchy-wasteband pair of these for you.
Not yet but it’s only a matter of time before I eat something that gives me an allergic reaction that makes my crotch drop.
Always like to be prepared.
But the harem pants I don’t mind that much and I am ALL FOR the joggers. Sweatpants/pajama pants at the bar?
Michelle Moore says
Poopoo talk will get most people most of the time, but especially 10yr old boys, sooooo youaremostdefinitelyright!
Michelle Moore says
Wow, what an brilliant way to start my day!! I was laughing so hard my 10yr old son came running over and made me read it out loud (aloud??) and too bad he didn’t have these jeans and a diaper on because he “squirted” in his pjs, haha!! You are awesome sauce:)
For the record I agree with you on every detail, I don’t like them, don’t want them, but will likely be wearing them next year;)
It takes a strong woman to acknowledge and accept that she will be wearing diaper pants.
There’s nothing like poopoo talk to make a 10 year old pee. Amiright?
I literally have tears running down my face. I’m such a BelGroupie. My thighs are a forest fire just waiting to happen out here on the open range.
I’m already wearing diaper jeans. I have an extensive collection of Mom Jeans that are extra stretchy in the Depends region. Some days I want to duct tape on one of those bad boy, peel out early from chaperoning a field trip to go stalk my high school boyfriend in Alabama…cuz feelings. But, then I remember my son is a Type 1 diabetic and my husband is a frustrated pastry chef. So…responsibility kicks in. So, if you see me in a kick ass pink sweater seat and a pair of matching jeans, check out my ass..because sometimes that junk in my trunk is filled with corpulent pee crystals…
Oh, how you inspire me with your BelGreatness!
That’s fair, since I’m a Tange-aholic. I live for your comments and your spark-producing thigh friction.
Don’t forget to pack Tang in the trunk when you go on your mission!
This is the first time the phrase “corpulent pee crystals” has been used here, but I doubt it’ll be the last.
Laura!! Where the hell have your blog posts been?! They’ve disappeared from my email. Now my lazy ass has to come to your site to track and read. Hmm….
Love the post.
Love the saggy crotch pants, as long as they just sag below the crotch and don’t sag to the knees. (Justin Bieber/Usher style)
Apparently, I’ve thrown down guidelines for my saggy crotch pants, but I’m ok with that, because there definitely is a line between cute and ridiculous and I don’t want to cross it!
Hey Lane! Wha happened? Could they have gone to your promotions tab? Gmail does that with subscriptions. Check ‘n’ see. I don’t want to strain your lazy ass.
There’s a big difference with the Bieb’s pants: he has to pull his down to get the crotch sag. These remain comfortably high on the waist, all the while sagging to your heart’s delight.
Thanks Laura, I took that tab away, it was annoying. I’ll have to investigate further. Google “Justin Bieber harem pants” and you’ll see what I’m talking about. He does pull his pants down, but he also wears harems that look like he’s carrying a 40lb load.
hmmm, decisions, decisions….which do I prefer?
The thing with skinny jeans is that
a) you have to be skinny to wear them (uh, preferably anyway)
b) you can’t practice any sports in them (no, dry-martini-one-olive sipping is not a sport).
Diaper jeans are great because
a) you don’t have to be skinny (as you said, Laura, thigh gap is optional)
b) they are perfect when you get the urge to do some sports in the city (lots of leg room for practicing parkour and doing high jumps on cement stairs).
Maybe I’ll just stick to my sweat pants.
A brilliant and thoughtful analysis, Indre!
And yay for sweatpants. Mine happen to be harem style, BTW. But they pull their punches. Crotch isn’t noticeably dropped.
Doug Washington says
I’d wear these jeans only because I could store so many snacks in that crotch section. I’m thinking of inventing an internal fanny (crotch) pack now. I’ve always been ahead of the curve. Everything is going in that pack! Lunch, phone, wallet, small dog…..it’s endless. Maybe there’s a line by Marc Jacobs with mesh front so the little doggie can breath and not
make it sweaty in there.
You are genius. Or should I say jeanious?? My instinct would be to make the doggy window clear plastic. What a mistake – not only would the dog suffocate, but the window would cloud over with condensation from ball sack heat and labored doggie breath.
Plus, snacks would get soggy. No thanks to THAT tuna sandwich, right? Duh. Of course, mesh.
And this is why you’re a design professional and I’m not. Smacking forehead.
MR FOX says
TUNA FISH WOULD MATCH SOMETHING THAT IS THE SAME SMELL FISH YUM YUM I WOULD EAT HER
I’m not a fashion expert, but I did watch all of Season 1 of The Fasionista Diaries and I am eagerly anticipating Season 2.
Which reminds me of a joke. An Arab and an Israeli are sitting next to each other on a plane. The Arab asks the Israeli “Would you be so kind as to get me a cup of juice, being that you are seated on the aisle?” The Israeli replies “It would be no trouble at all.” When the Israeli returns to their seats with the juice the Arab tells him “While you were away I spat in your shoe.” The Israeli says to him “Spit in the shoe, piss in the juice, when will it end?”
Ha! Good one. Except maybe better if the Arab takes a sip before he says it.
And ps why didn’t that horrible Showroom 7 girl – did she have a weird hand or something? – get the spinoff she deserved?
Yes, I believe one of her hands was withered (if that is the technical term). Hence her constantly hiding it under various things. If Kelly Cutrone can get a spinoff, why not Withered Hand Bitch? Maybe she’ll end up being a judge on America’s Next Top Model Cycle 27. Which reminds me of my quote of the day:
Two beautiful models stand before me. But I have only one photograph.
Marci Diehl says
I’d leave a comment, but I’m laughing so hard I can’t see properly through the tears.
That is comment enough for me! The best kind.