Don’t look at me…
This isn’t about me. I’m never weird about food. I eat for fuel, period! I definitely do not mark my calendar when I’m feeling fat so that I can check back next time I feel fat and see whether it has something to do with the time of the month.
These are some things I’ve *heard* people do and think when they’ve spent their whole lives wanting to eat their weight in cookie dough but also not wanting to be fat. Note: the sandwich tricks work for burgers, too, and vice versa.
1. The “Same As You” Diet
Matching bite for bite will keep you tight! Feel confident you’re not eating too much as long as you don’t eat more than the other person, even if the other person just ate ribeye for two, a whole Baby Watson cheesecake, a whole baby human, and a stick of butter.
2. The “Less Than You” Diet
Feel skinnier-than-thou for leaving more on your plate than the other person. Even if the other person just ate brisket for ten, foie gras party platter, cone of fries, and onion soup with the cheese on top. Feel extra svelte if they ate all the cheese top and you left most of it. Or even if all you left was a crouton.
3. The “Must Be Nice” Diet
Order the healthy thing that sounds so-so, and raise your eyebrows a little when the other person orders the delicious-sounding thing that doesn’t merely have cream but blatantly says cream in the menu description. Think, “must be nice to eat like that” but then pick at their delicious cream dish to the point where you’ve consumed more of it than they have. Stare distractedly at your friend’s uneaten portion, wonder whether your friend is done or just “resting,” then yell NO! when the waiter tries to take away the plate. Go to town on those sloppy scraps.
4. The Lonely Salad
Even though everyone’s sharing, order your own green salad or steamed vegetable side that no one else wants, because their idea of a salad is a cheese plate, and you “need to fill up on greens.” Then, eat your private tragic veggie thing plus everything they eat.
5. The Sandwich Slide-back
With each bite of sandwich, slide back the top piece of bread like it’s a candy wrapper, so you can advance on the filling without eating both sides of the bread. Then, eat that piece of bread anyway because it’s there.
6. The Sandwich Spielunk
Burrow into a sandwich middle like a mole, to get a bread-less bite of meat and lettuce and tomato. Then, eat the bread bits because they’re there.
7. The Hamburger Haircut
Rip all the bun overhang off a burger and then keep trimming, so there’s just enough bread to pick up the patty between thumb and forefinger without any skin-on-beef contact. The bread is just a meat holder, nothing more. Then, eat the bun bits because they’re there.
8. The Burger Beheading
Remove the top bun altogether and attack resulting open-face item with fork and knife. Then, pick apart the remaining bread because it has delicious grease on it and because it’s there.
9. The 11th Hour Ice Cream Pardon
Buy a carton of ice cream, eat too much of it, decide to dispose of it, double bag it for the garbage chute, tie it up, then undo the knots, reopen both bags, and give the ice cream a frantic goodbye party it’ll never forget by devouring all but a few bites. Throw vastly lightened carton down chute.
10. The Narrate-In-Real-Time Murmur
As you reach out with your fork for a dish that everyone else at the table has stopped eating, mumble in a frequency only audible to bats, “I’m taking another bite of this.”
11. The Calories-Over-Time Formula
Buy a quantity of food meant to last a long time, such as a box of Honey Nut Cheerios. When you polish it off way faster than expected, calculate how many days ago you bought it and hope that you’re remembering wrong. Because there are 14 servings, so how did it go so fast between now and just this past Saturday? Determine whether that’s too many “extra” calories to consume in four days, considering some late-night helpings functioned as dessert. Ask your husband if he’s been eating lots of it and be pissy for the rest of the night when he says he hasn’t had any.
12. The Reverse Calories-Over-Time Formula
Be psyched that your cookies got stale, because it means you’ve made them last that long.
13. The “Jam Is Spoon Food” Mentality
Well it is, isn’t it? Or fork food? Bonne Maman Strawberry Preserves has big whole strawberries in it, and I know I’m not the only one who fishes them out and eats them like they’re fruit salad.
Do you have a *friend* who’s weird about food? Scroll down and add your own food weirdness items to the list in the comments below.