Today, an ad in my Facebook feed asks, WHO WOULD YOU BE IF MONEY DIDN’T MATTER?
And then it says, FREE Video Series Will Help You Discover Your Personal Path to Financial Liberation!
The image below is a woman — the actual person who’s going to teach you this path — in a thin, 1970s style halter top cut down to the navel. She has a giant feather earring on one side and a bunch of feather business woven into her hair on the other side. Chunky, Native American necklace you’d buy in a Santa Fe gift shop. She’s tan, her long hair is blowing in the wind (machine) and she’s not wearing a bra.
So I guess that’s what Financial Liberation is supposed to look like.
Which partly makes sense, because if money didn’t matter, the first thing we’d all do is take off our bras and run out and buy a bunch of overpriced feather accessories. I say “overpriced” because whatever they cost, it was too much. It looks like she was attacked by birds. Like if you lifted her hair, you’d find a bunch of droppings, too.
No, really, if money didn’t matter, who would I be?
I want to answer the question, for real.
First of all, would I ever work again? Methinks no.
I’m not a person who’s always got ants in her pants to “be of service” or do something with “purpose.” I know those people: “My only problem is a lack of time. I have too many ideas and projects I want to do and people I want to help and schools I want to build and wells I want to dig and other peoples’ babies I want to breastfeed in this lifetime, and need ten lifetimes to do it all.”
Uh…right. Me too. Totes.
If money didn’t matter, I’d be perfectly fulfilled sitting on my sofa all day watching Bravo shows and posting on Facebook. I know I’ve said this before, but it’s a recurring theme because it’s truly my calling. Do you know how painful it is to be kept from your true calling in life? Do you? It pulls at you all day.
I have a gift I’m meant to give the world, and because money does matter, I must withhold it.
I’m so sorry, world.
Sometimes I think if money didn’t matter — meaning, it’s unlimited and I can spend it however I want (that’s what the FREE VIDEO will help me create, right?) — I would jet off to Turks and Caicos as soon as it gets cold in NYC and live there. January through March. Boom. And Steven would come too, because if money doesn’t matter, he doesn’t have to work, either.
He doesn’t like the beach much, but we’d bring plenty of books on all kinds of fancy topics for him.
But is all that jetting around really necessary?
The only reason I need to be in a warm place is because I don’t like to leave the house in winter. And the only reason I need to leave the house in winter, or leave the sofa, period, is because if I don’t, I won’t burn calories.
So can we add some more “what ifs” to this equation?
Who would you be if money and body fat didn’t matter?
Wait, there’s more. Since body fat doesn’t matter, I’d also love to eat ice cream with chocolate sauce all day. And the way I eat ice cream, it tends to splash, because I mix it up with milk and make it a soup.
I would alternate the ice cream with Cheesy Jalapeño Popcorners, which get fucking everywhere — just one chip requires three paper towels. I would like to enjoy all of this beasty feast without caring if it gets on the sofa.
So let’s make the question,
Who would you be if money and body fat and upholstery didn’t matter?
The answer is, someone you’d never hear from again. I’d be 1200 pounds, braless, covered in feathers and cheesy jalapeño dust, fused to the sofa in a way that requires an emergency medical team to scrape me up.
So if you care about me, stop me from watching these free videos.
Who would you be if money and everything else that matters, didn’t matter?
What keeps you from your true calling in life?
TELL ME IN THE COMMENTS.
You are fucking funny!!!
If money didn’t matter I’d probably sit around telling everyone what to do. Except – that’s what I do now plus sometimes I stand up.
You make think!
Hey lady, you are ridiculous!
I’m one of the first ones. I have wells to dig and schools to start and shit.
I would get massaged three times a week (not f-ing kidding, I really like getting bodywork)
and I would be a lot like what I am but a lot let anxiety.
I would keep working out and eating healthy but, would I love to hire chef? yes please! Paleo!
I don’t mind starving, It’s just harder to self inflict it on yourself.
I used to believe it was important to really know what you want, and visualize having it. but now honestly I try to spend a little less time fantasizing cause I get really into it.
let’s just say If I win the lottery tomorrow I wont be unprepared, because I’ve really though it through!
but I will come pull you out of your cheese doodles and ice cream couch and put you to work writing the sales paige for my next women’s work retreat in Turks and Caicos, and all kinds of other crazy shit.
love your work, can’t wait till I can hire you!!! xoxo
Oh, I can’t wait to work with you! And you know what else? I hate massages, and am always offered them after a pedicure. I should give you mine.
I’ve kind of always lived my life as if money doesn’t matter. I was an actor and now I’m a Pilates teacher, it’s hard for me to charge for my services. As an actor you learn to say yes to every opportunity and work for free because you know that big national voice-over job is coming right up and you’ll be rolling in it soon. As a Pilates teacher you feel guilty because you love your job so much, you get to make people feel better and you get to do it barefoot and in comfy pants, it would be wrong to make money too. Now as an over 50 business owner with kids and a husband who likes to travel (a lot) I feel bad that I pretended money doesn’t matter and I’m spending my time trying to make my business profitable and create a valuable online product that will help me take my family on some awesome adventures. I’m already teaching my kids that money does matter, I want them to be savvy entrepreneurs. They seem to be creative types like me (Ava wants to be a singer/artist and Zavier wants to be a ninja/actor). I want them to figure out how to make money while they love their life. Maybe they’ll learn to do teleseminars on living without boundaries!
Ah, yes. The big Q about life.
What-ifs questions never work because if you were REALLY in that situation, you’d probably act quite differently than if you are just day-dreaming about it.
About 3 months out of the year, I’d be swimming in the ocean, diving, sailing, wind-surfing, surfing, building sand castles. And probably wearing water-proof feathers in my hair. And going bra-less (who needs a bra if you’re in the water?)
During another 3 months, I’d be downhill skiing, cross country skiing, sledding, and building snow women (Braless. Both me and the snow women).
The other 6 months I’d be designing and making clothes, going to museums and art galleries, building up a drool-worthy empire equivalent to Anthropologie (but better) and I’d donate 100% of the money (remember, I wouldn’t need it myself) to charities and kickstarters that dig wells, build schools, and make potato salads.
Thanks for allowing me to write out my dream life today, Laura! This exercise almost had me fooled, thinking it was for real. 🙂
You had me at “I’m a little fried today”, because I LOVE fried shrimp! More than that, I wanted to read what sucky writing is to Laura Belgray. And, of course, it didn’t suck. So…fuck you. And your feathers.
I love money. But I also love doing nothing. Hmm…quite the quandary. But not really, because if money didn’t matter, than doing nothing would be what I’d be doing.
That’s if traveling around the world and saving human kind from Ebola was “doing nothing”, because I’m pretty sure that’s what I’d be doing. That and taking pictures with Flat Stanley.
Also, I don’t like that I can’t edit my posts when I find grammatical errors that only a dumbass would make. Which, apparently, is me, considering the above “than”. Ugh…Now it’s out there—I’M NOT PERFECT!!!!
I’m one of “those people” with the ants in her pants…but you know that because we talked about it over cheap Mexican. Honestly, I feel like I do stuff NOW as if money doesn’t matter. Yeah, I’m also one of “those people”…who doesn’t ask for what she wants/needs/deserves. And while we’re talking about “those people”, I’m also one of “those people” who eats crap all day long on her crappy couch and everywhere else in the apartment. It’s so funny that I’m so much one of “those people” because growing up I thought “those people” didn’t like me!? (“Those people” in this case were bitchy city girls!) But most of all, I’m proud to admit that I’m on of “those people” who think you’re hysterical all. the time.
At first I thought you were going to do an Alan Watts mini lecture – love that guy and could listen to his voice all day.
Interesting tidbit: Turks and Caicos have been trying to ‘join’ Canada for several decades. I say YES … We need a southern province for our winter getaways.
My answer to your question (and thanks for posing it): I’d be still me, but I’d quit teaching and I’d go to school for fun. I’d take semesters at Oxford, Cambridge, for starters. Spend time in old castles in Europe. Heck, maybe I’d buy one! With a moat. And a boat!
Thanks for making my mail box sing every day.
Ok…so I’ve never left a comment on your blog before…and to be honest, I don’t OFTEN click through from the newsletter to read the entire posts. BUT, you intrigued me with saying you were going to talk about your favorite question…I HAD to find out what the question was. Then, your cute version of Snark made me keep reading (especially after the bird droppings in the hair bit) until I finally got to the part about you being fused to the sofa part…it was then that I proceeded to laugh so much that I snorted through my nose. Thanks for putting some perspective on this issue and getting things into a healthy context…you made my day!
Trisha Condo says
If money wasn’t important then, I’d definitely be travelling around the world doing free psychic readings, lecturing, and sipping Long Island Ice Teas without the alcohol.
I’d be showing up at local pow wows maybe with some feathers. Who knows.
Just wanted to add: Happy Thanksgiving from my family to yours.
I, too, belong in the camp of “no, I probably really would NOT be one of those people doing every good and decent and noble thing in the book if I didn’t need money.”
Since I currently try to arrange my life so that I’m spending at least 4 months a year on a beach in Thailand, I’d probably up that a bit, say to about 8 months out of 12. I’d need a little time back in civilization, otherwise I’d go a little island-crazy. (I did 12 months at a go, once, and I was a bit mental when I left. Of course, it was a week after 9/11, so that may have contributed some.)
Coincidentally, one of the beaches I’ve been spending time on lately is full of New Age types who like to talk about being spiritual and non-material and all…but they do charge for yoga, sacred cacao ceremonies, tantra, hula, etc. So money DOES matter. Though, I should add, many of them also go bra-less…and wear lots of feather earrings.