Welcome to Yawn Country.
Maybe it’s for the best, because I keep wanting to spend less time on Facebook, but my newsfeed gets so f&cking boring during the holidays.
Not just the winter holidays, though those posts are especially snooze-making, what with all the “Did our tree!” posts. Something about the sight of holly and berries, which I have nothing against other than that I don’t think green and red look nice together, makes me instantly uninterested. Like, hyper-bored.
To me, the most boring posts happen during all the holiday seasons.
Year round. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, and most of all August, when everyone rents the big houses on the shore. They’re the ones of a bunch of kids, some yours and then some I don’t know, with the caption, “COUSINS!”
On any holiday, I can cruise through my Facebook feed and find at least ten photos captioned with just that word. Cousins.
So what? Why is “cousins” such an exciting event to you?
Why don’t we label all the pictures with that kind of excitement?
“Civil but not very close neighbors!”
“People who don’t know each other that well at someone’s party!”
Look, I love my cousins. All the ones I’ve eaten turkey, unwrapped presents, splashed in inflatable kiddie pools, and hunted for matzoh with.
And maybe this is me rebelling against my dad’s lifelong obsession with anyone connected by blood, spit, marriage, adoption, or sharing of borscht recipe. (Personally, I thought dating a married salsa instructor in the late 1990s was rebellion enough.)
I just don’t get why the idea of cousins is inherently more interesting than any other group of people.
You know what would make it compelling? If you captioned the cousins pictures in one of these ways:
“Bunch of good-looking people who better not ever be attracted to each other, or they’ll have to keep it a shameful secret, unless they live in a certain state that begins with the letter K!”
“Actual cousins who decided they must also become ‘pee-pee cousins,’ a choice they could’ve made on someone else’s brand new carpet, thank you very much.”
“3 of these kids are well behaved and 2 have never heard the word ‘no,’ because clearly siblings grow up with different parenting styles!”
“People who don’t yet know the term ‘passive aggressive’ but have started to realize that there’s something strange about the way their respective moms, who are sisters, address conflict!”
“Kids who may one day fight over a will if we don’t decide now who gets Grandma’s jewelry — the precious stones and gold, not the costume stuff, though I’d like to keep that, too, if nobody else is going to wear it. Especially since Grandma said it was all supposed to go to me — in fact she said it many times, though she didn’t think to put it in writing, probably because she thought a person’s spoken word was sacred, but apparently everything needs to be signed with an affidavit for it to hold any weight in this family!”
What really bores you in your newsfeed?
Do you find the idea of cousins that interesting?
Would you like my dad to find you some new cousins? He will.
TELL ME IN THE COMMENTS.