I read a familiar story about Mariah Carey this week.
It said she wanted to go on the Wendy Williams show, and her people requested/ insisted that Wendy give up her usual side of the set so Mariah could sit there and show the better side of her face.
She’s been doing this for years.
I always thought it was crazy, and in fact thought anyone who said, “wait, wait, get my good side” when posing for a picture was a fool. Who has a good side and a bad side? Who’d ever notice?
Well, it turns out I do. Either Mariah’s not crazy, or we both are, because, yes:
I, too, have a good side and a bad side.
A young, firm-jawline side and an old, jowly side. A happy side and a sad-sack, “nothing goes my way” side.
The sides of my face used to match OK.
Then around age 40, that magic number, they started to form separate personalities and looks, like most identical twins eventually do. Now, even if both sides of my face dress alike, you can tell them apart. They can no longer switch names and fool their teachers.
How different are they?
If they were best friends and went to a bar, guys would hit on good side and only talk to bad side to ask, “Is your friend single?”
If they were baby spiders, their mother would eat bad side and let good side stick around to grow up.
If they were TV shows, good side would be Breaking Bad and bad side would be the test of the emergency broadcast system screeching over Weather on the Ones. Or NBC’s Smash. Season 2, not even season 1.
This is how I see it. It’s not like anyone would stare and point on the street and say, “Dayum, check out lopsided lady!” But it’s pronounced enough that pictures taken from the bad side are never good. I even turn away from bad side in the bathroom mirror. I try to love her but she yells, “LOOK AWAY! LOOK AWAY!”
And here’s the thing…
I’m being interviewed on my friend Marie Forleo’s web show, Marie TV today.
In my little corner of the internet, it’s a big deal. Last person she interviewed was Tony Robbins!
Uh huh. And guess which side they’ll be shooting?
Go on, guess.
Oh you know it. Bad Side. I feel it’s worth pointing out now, not so that when it airs in the Spring you notice it more, but so that you give me credit for being better looking than the person who’s sitting in my chair.
So maybe I’m just as nuts as Mariah Carey.
Except I’m not asking Marie to switch sides, because sane people don’t do that. Also, I don’t leave my fans waiting in the cold for three hours at Rockefeller Center, another thing she did this week. And I never ran around the set of Total Request Live with an ice cream cart in 2001, having a real-time meltdown on MTV. Oh, she crazy.
Do you have a good side and bad side?
Something about your looks that freaks you out and other people swear they don’t notice, but you think they’re lying?
TELL ME IN THE COMMENTS.