“make slave eat toenail clippings”
You read right. Someone typed that in to their search bar, and among the top results was this blog.
In a recent post, I explored a bunch of the demented Google search terms that lead people here. I hadn’t intended to make it a series, but I had to write a follow-up to address this latest gem. I’ll repeat:
“make slave eat toenail clippings”
To the person who found me this way: Sorry, friend, not my area of expertise.
But based on general life experience, I have some theories about you, along with some advice.
Theory 1: You’re not in control of your slave.
You’re getting pushback and don’t know how to handle it. Just as people will google “make children drink milk,” or “make dog not bite people,” you were searching for ways to cajole this slave into eating toenails.
I bet you complain to your friends that it’s simply impossible to find an obedient sex slave these days. And that Slaveydoodles (or whatever you call him) is just the latest in a long line of slaves that you’ve tired of and sold on craigslist because they sucked.
Guess what: The problem isn’t Slaveydoodles.
And the problem isn’t all those other slaves. It’s you. YOU are the pattern here. It’s your ineffectiveness with slaves that make them bad.
After all, slaves are obedient by nature. That’s why there’s no show called “The Slave Whisperer.”
So take some accountability.
Are you being forceful enough with your slave? Or are you being passive-agressive, leaving a plate of toenails on the floor with a post-it that says, “Dear Slaveydoodles, I think you forgot to eat these”?
If you can’t get your slave to eat your toenails, or lick your toilet bowl clean, or crawl naked on thumbtacks, then maybe it’s time you stopped blaming the slave and took a good, long look in the mirror.
I think you’ll see a slave master who has some work to do.
Come on. Own your power. Just like you own* that slave.
Or, theory 2
You have a slave and you’re thinking of making him eat your toenails. You’re wondering:
“Is this something other people do?”
Yes. It is.
The top search result is a website called eattoenails.com. (Sorry toenail-slave entrepreneurs, the url is taken. Though eattoenails.biz might be available.)
You can see live examples of slaves eating toenails on this site. Judging from the first video, slaves are not picky about the feet these toenails come from. Of course they’re not. Who are they to be picky? They’re slaves.
Another result is a blog about “footslave stories.”
That’s a book deal waiting to happen. Hopefully, a board book or pop-up book for children ages 0-3.
But all that aside, why do you care if other people do it? If having a slave eat your toenails is what feels right for you, then that’s “your truth.” Go for it. With one caveat:
*On owning slaves in the 21st Century
You know it’s technically illegal, right? It was illegal last century, too. The slave can’t be your lawful property.
When we talk about “owning” a slave, we’re talking about a handshake agreement, informed by sexual fetish. If the relationship isn’t consensual, let Slaveydoodles go and quit trying to make him eat your filthy toenail bits.
Meanwhile, with this post, I’m going to attract more toenail-eaters than ever.
omg i love toenails eating.. thanks for this post
Wow, I won’t deny a passing foot fetish, but I think I would draw the line long, long before I sprinkled my morning granola with her pedicure clippings. And I’d like to think if she had me tied up, this wouldn’t be her first thought.
Wow, I won’t deny a passing foot fetish, but I think I would draw the line long, long before I sprinkled my morning granola with her pedicure clippings. And I’d like to think if she had me tied up, this wouldn’t be her first thought.
I had to comment, I kept thinking I can believe she wrote that .. oh yes she wrote that.. 🙂
It’s true! I did wrote that.
I had to comment, I kept thinking I can believe she wrote that .. oh yes she wrote that.. 🙂
It’s true! I did wrote that.
I figured your collar would be magenta, you know, shrimp-colored to match the website. But I can totally see the spikes. Maybe the leash is magenta?
I don’t wear the collar, honey. Not my role.
I figured your collar would be magenta, you know, shrimp-colored to match the website. But I can totally see the spikes. Maybe the leash is magenta?
I don’t wear the collar, honey. Not my role.
Oh wow, this is hilarious. Love it.
Thanks, Michael. Sure, it’s hilarious to you — easy for you to laugh, since you’re not having problems with your toenail slave.
Oh wow, this is hilarious. Love it.
Thanks, Michael. Sure, it’s hilarious to you — easy for you to laugh, since you’re not having problems with your toenail slave.
Only you could make a post about slavery humorous, Laura! I have heard that if you chew your fingernails and swallow them, you will endanger your appendix, and possibly cause appendicitis, leading to an emergency appendectomy and possibly causing you to miss out on the Saturday night feast at the International Toenail Consumption Convention. While I have no idea whether or not this is true, it seems prudent to limit this activity.
Really? Is slave comedy that rare? Well, thank you. And interesting fact. Now when I meet someone who’s had their appendix removed, I’ll know they feast on nail clippings.
Only you could make a post about slavery humorous, Laura! I have heard that if you chew your fingernails and swallow them, you will endanger your appendix, and possibly cause appendicitis, leading to an emergency appendectomy and possibly causing you to miss out on the Saturday night feast at the International Toenail Consumption Convention. While I have no idea whether or not this is true, it seems prudent to limit this activity.
Really? Is slave comedy that rare? Well, thank you. And interesting fact. Now when I meet someone who’s had their appendix removed, I’ll know they feast on nail clippings.
Only you could make a post about slavery humorous, Laura! I have heard that if you chew your fingernails and swallow them, you will endanger your appendix, and possibly cause appendicitis, leading to an emergency appendectomy and possibly causing you to miss out on the Saturday night feast at the International Toenail Consumption Convention. While I have no idea whether or not this is true, it seems prudent to limit this activity.
That’s why there’s no show called “The Slave Whisperer.”
This made me snort. Loudly.
Just watch. Someone’s going to take that idea and pitch it to TLC.
That’s why there’s no show called “The Slave Whisperer.”
This made me snort. Loudly.
That’s why there’s no show called “The Slave Whisperer.”
This made me snort. Loudly.
Just watch. Someone’s going to take that idea and pitch it to TLC.
Also had to add that I love that one of your categories is “ickiness.”
Yes. So if I write about something like the time you had to find Dad’s shorts, I have a ready category.
Also had to add that I love that one of your categories is “ickiness.”
Yes. So if I write about something like the time you had to find Dad’s shorts, I have a ready category.
This is another one that might get few comments. It’s leaving me speechless, but I know you’re a comment whore so I’m indulging you. (Does that make me your comment slave?)
Yes, the passive aggressive post-it might be my favorite part too. Love it. How about Footslave Stories, the board GAME?! “Your master left you a post-it, lick four calluses.”
You used to be my slave-slave. Remember, you’d bring me sandwiches? But I think you have more value to me as a comment slave, so let’s keep it this way.
The board game idea made me laugh so hard people turned around. I read it on my iphone.
This is another one that might get few comments. It’s leaving me speechless, but I know you’re a comment whore so I’m indulging you. (Does that make me your comment slave?)
Yes, the passive aggressive post-it might be my favorite part too. Love it. How about Footslave Stories, the board GAME?! “Your master left you a post-it, lick four calluses.”
You used to be my slave-slave. Remember, you’d bring me sandwiches? But I think you have more value to me as a comment slave, so let’s keep it this way.
The board game idea made me laugh so hard people turned around. I read it on my iphone.
While my mind boggles over that one, lets get back to more important stuff, like how are the dickheads?
The dickheads are gone! The solution was embarrassingly simple: seems one of our windows was open at the top and we never noticed.
Glad to hear it.Its -5c and we still have shit eaters
While my mind boggles over that one, lets get back to more important stuff, like how are the dickheads?
The dickheads are gone! The solution was embarrassingly simple: seems one of our windows was open at the top and we never noticed.
Glad to hear it.Its -5c and we still have shit eaters
LOL – thanks for the chuckle today, Laura! While the mental image was a bit disgusting, it all still cracked me up. 😛
I liked the passive aggressive approach with the post it note and plate of toenails… Classic…. 😀
Yeah, I had some housemates like that in college. “Were you going to wash these dishes?”
LOL – thanks for the chuckle today, Laura! While the mental image was a bit disgusting, it all still cracked me up. 😛
I liked the passive aggressive approach with the post it note and plate of toenails… Classic…. 😀
Yeah, I had some housemates like that in college. “Were you going to wash these dishes?”